The Blessed Virgin Mary has been caught shoplifting in a mini-mart in Oklahoma. Security video shot by CCTV cameras clearly show an apparition of the Mother of Christ filching condoms from the convenience store.

"I guess we've all got used to these celebrity shoplifting stories," said Highway Patrolman Jed Ritter, who moonlights as the mini-mart's security guard. "You know, what with Winona Ryder, Hedy Lamarr an' all. But I have to admit to being kinda shocked at this one."

It's not known whether Mary got away with the goods. Her thieving was discovered only after the CCTV tapes were reviewed.

Patrolman Ritter was on night duty when it happened.

"Something woke me," he said. "Don't know what it was. Some kind of celestial chorus, I reckon. Anyhow, it was near the end of my shift and I figured I'd better go look at the video. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw her."

The cameras first caught the Blessed Virgin in the 'Haberdasher Korner' section of the store, before she moved on to the pharmacy. 

Ritter claimed that, even after he'd woken, there was still a 'presence' in the store. "I could sense she was still around. It rooted me to my seat."

When questioned on his failure to apprehend the Blessed Mother of Jesus, Ritter said he was unsure whether he had jurisdiction. "I'm not even a Catholic," he added.

Officer Ritter has been suspended from duty pending the result of a drug test, but he has already received many messages of support and praise.

"Mr Ritter is truly blessed to have witnessed this visitation," said Father Dicky O'Rabid, a Roman Catholic priest and Fox News commentator. "Few have the opportunity to be in the presence of the divine."

Asked about the condoms, Father O'Rabid added: "I'm sure she was destroying them, ridding the world of their filthy existence and saving teenagers from temptation."

A spokesman for the store's owner claimed that further analysis of the tapes revealed that the Divine Mary also helped herself to KY Jelly and throat lozenges.

Father O'Rabid declined to comment directly but said that this information had been relayed to the Vatican where a team of specialists would soon provide an interpretation. "Clearly, this is the best evidence yet of a divine manifestation," he said.

Meanwhile, the store has closed temporarily for refurbishment. The owners issued a statement saying that: "The mini-mart will soon re-open with a host of new facilities, including a pay-per-view video presentation of the apparition and a multimedia shrine with low-cost, no-waiting confessional capabilities."

The first images beamed back by NASA's Phoenix probe revealed more than the scientists were expecting. Analysis of the first images show a Holy Bible buried in the Martian surface!

"It came as a real shock," said Buck Uranus, the Inquisitor's space correspondent who was at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory when the images came in.

"Normally, when a spacecraft lands, the team call other scientists to invite them to join in the celebrations," he added. "This time, they were calling for a priest." 

Evangelical preacher Pastor Joshua LaVista, whose religous community is based close to NASA's headquarters in Houston, Texas, made a special TV broadcast just moments after the revelations were made public. "I have always said that NASA's true mission was to reveal the glory of God," he said. "It's time we replaced atheist heathens in science labs with those who are faithful to the hidden truths. This is a sign that wherever we go, whatever we seek, we will always find God."

The presence of the Holy Book was noticed only after the images were treated to special digital enhancement.

It was Pastor LaVista's own imaging specialists, on secondment to NASA, who first realised what Phoenix had found. They used special image enhancement tools to repeatedly improve the image until they were satisified that - in the words of one evangelical technician - it, "showed what it should show".

Dr Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, has become a Jedi Knight as part of a policy of embracing all faiths. It's believed he may also be planning to use his new powers against journalists, politicians and other 'forces of the dark side'.

"It started with his conversion to Islam and the implementation of Sharia law in the General Synod," claimed one frightened Prebender. "Before you knew it, there were hands and heads flying everywhere, sometimes for offences as trivial as wearing a stained cassock or inappropriate use of a Bishop's hat."

This was followed by rapid, sometimes simultaneous, conversions to Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism, Judaism, more than 200 variations of Christianity, Jainism, Druidism and Wicca. That was closely follow by Shinto, Taoism, Baha'i, Falun Gong, Zoroastrianism, Scientology, Mormonism and a number of the less popular pagan cults. It's not known if the list of faiths included Satanism but some within the Anglican church have claimed this is "highly likely".

"For one terrible moment we thought he was going to become a humanist, or even an atheist," said a wide-eyed chorister. "But at the last moment he pulled back. Apparently, those aren't real religions."

Rumours suggest that the Archbishop's ecumenical efforts to convert to every religion have recently stumbled because of his ability to obtain a complete list. "Who knew there were so many out there?" said a puzzled aide. "I mean, some of these people have really wacky ideas." 

According to sources close to Lambeth Palace, Dr Williams first considered embracing the Way of The Force as far back as 2001 when, following a major internet-based campaign, 'Jedi Knight' was added to the list of official religions on the national census form. More than 390,000 people classified themselves as Jedi, beating Sikhs, Jews and Buddhists and making Jedi'ism the UK's fourth-largest faith.

"This is a huge group just begging to be embraced," said our source. "And the Archbishop's motto seems to be 'No soul left behind'."

It is believed that the Archbishop's plans, as a Jedi High Master, include lobbying for at least three automatic seats in the House of Lords, the inclusion of elements of the Jedi Code in UK law and tough immigration controls for Sith.

In a brief interview, Dr Williams brushed aside concerns that obeying more than 300 faiths simultaneously might create conflicts. Instead of replying directly to the question, the Archbishop bowed towards Mecca, genuflected and aimed a plastic lightsaber at the interviewer.

"May the Force be with you," he intoned. "Insha'Allah."

A Roman Catholic cardinal, speaking through a Vatican media relations agency, has claimed that Pope Benedict XVI is about to make Adolf Hitler a saint.

"It's in recognition of Herr Hitler's dedication to making the world a more Christian place," claimed the cardinal. He said he was providing the information, on condition of anonymity, in order to put an end to a long-running debate. "The Catholic church is often accused of not having done enough in the Second World War to help purify Europe," he said. "Some say the Vatican stayed on the sidelines, but it's time to put the record straight and show how we did our utmost to increase the proportion of Christians in countries throughout the continent."

The cardinal claims the beatification of the erstwhile Nazi dictator has already begun, "though we need someone to take the part of Devil's Advocate," he said. "You know, someone we can trust. That's proving difficult."

Pope Benedict is believed by some to be smiling on the project. A Bavarian previously known as Joseph Ratzinger, Benedict is a former member of the Hitler Youth and later served in a German anti-aircraft unit during World War 2. While a Cardinal in charge of the Inquisition, he was given a number of nicknames by other members of the church, including 'the enforcer', 'God’s rottweiler' and 'the panzer cardinal'.

The cardinal admits that the elevation to sainthood of one of history's most notorious mass murderers might come as a surprise to some. "One has to admire, though, his clearly evident and frequently professed piety," he said. "He was, after all, born and raised a Catholic and, in spite of a few disagreements, generally maintained warm relations with the Vatican throughout the war. That's why we were so keen to help leading Nazis escape the terror of Protestant- and atheist-inspired so-called 'justice' when the war ended. Oh, and there was the Jew thing."

Some revisionist historians have tried to portray Hitler as an atheist himself, pointing to the Nazis' sporadic actions against churches and alleged 'private' statements against Christianity recorded in the infamous 'Table Talk' publications. "However, the Nazis made great efforts to create and support a unified church," explained the cardinal. "And all that 'Table Talk' nonsense is just a misunderstanding as a result of poor translations. That's something we know all about in the Christian church."

He added: "All you have to do is look at what Hitler actually said."

Hitler's faith was expressed early. In 1921, he announced: "My feeling as a Christian points me to my Lord and Savior ... I am fighting for the work of the Lord." He often mentioned the "treasures of the living Christ" and when some visiting deaconesses asked him from where he drew the strength to change the Reich, he replied "From God's word".

Hitler saw non-belief as a threat. Over dinner, he would tell people "We don't want to educate anyone in atheism". In public, he declaimed: "Secular schools can never be tolerated because such a school has no religious instruction and a general moral instruction without a religious foundation is built on air; consequently, all character training and religion must be derived from faith. From our point of view as representatives of the state, we need believing people."

He also gained a great deal of support from Christians. "If anyone can lay claim to God's help, then it is Hitler, for without God's benevolent fatherly hand, without his blessing, the nation would not be where it stands today," said evangelical education minister Bernhard Rust, in a speech to a mass meeting of German Christians in 1933. "It is an unbelievable miracle that God has bestowed on our people."

Catholic Cardinal Faulhaber of Munich, after visiting Hitler at his mountain retreat, said: "Without doubt the chancellor lives in faith in God. He recognizes Christianity as the foundation of Western culture."

Pope Pius XII, a month after becoming Pontiff in 1939, instructed Archbishop Orsenigo to throw a birthday party for Hitler's 50th birthday and never forgot to send "warmest congratulations" every year on the same occasion.

The move is not universally welcome, however. One of the most outspoken critics of the beatification is a Nigerian priest, Father Blimey O'Reilly. "He went a bit far sometimes," said O'Reilly. "Killing all those poor mentally retarded people, for one thing. And in these more enlightened times, the Roman Catholic church absolutely condemns the act of sending homosexuals to concentration camps. They can be cured now."

However, even O'Reilly admits some grudging respect. "There's no doubt that Hitler performed numerous miracles," he said. "The saving of the German economy, the building of the autobahns and making the Beetle a popular car."

Jesus Christ has returned to Earth. But instead of heralding the Apocalypse, it turned out to be just a brief visit by the Messiah, who said he was "a bit pushed for time".

Christ appeared unexpectedly in the home of 74 year-old Apocrypha Cartwright, an ex-nun and bingo caller living in Duluth.

Cartwright, who has previously been visited by the Virgin Mary, Gandhi, Elvis and Oprah [check that last one, it might be true - ed], said that she was taken by surprise when she found Jesus in her utility room.

"I was just going to put some of my husband's shorts in to soak, because they've got some of those difficult stains, and there He was, standing by the tumbledryer," she quivered. "At first I thought He might be cleaning His robes, but then I could see they were all sort of glowing and ethereal and that sort of thing really needs hand washing."

The Messiah then explained that he was only "popping by".

"I asked Him if He was going to scourge the wicked and cast them into the bottomless pit and bring forth locusts with hair of women and teeth of lions and bring about God's kingdom on Earth," said Cartwright. "But He told me it wasn't really an official visit."

Unsure what she should do, lest she be judged, Cartwright offered the Messiah a cup of tea, which he gladly accepted. "I asked Him if He wanted herbal but He just wrinkled His nose. He also asked if I had any vodka to put in it, which I thought was strange. But I'd drunk the last of it that morning."

Although disappointed that Christ had not come to punish evildoers, the old woman confessed that it was also a bit of a relief. "I was a bit worried I was going to be cast into the great winepress of the wrath of God," she said. "And I still had my curlers in. Hopefully, we'll get a bit more warning when the Apocalypse really happens."

Although his visit was brief, Cartwright says Christ left a message for the world.

"He said to say He was really sorry he couldn't stay," said Cartwright, "but He was literally in the neighborhood and thought He'd drop in to see how we're getting along. He said He'd try to stay longer next time."