Following the success of the US Army's 'Jesus rifles', equipped with consecrated gunsights, America's armed forces are now deploying specially blessed ammunition.

"We are doing God's work in Afghanistan," says General Moses Khan. "Now we have God's ammo to aid us."

Defence company Trijicon has sold around 300,000 of its gunsights to the US Army and Marine Corps. The sights have been specially enhanced by having references to the Bible engraved on them, turning M-16s and M-4s into 'Jesus rifles'.

"When one of our righteous boys take aim at a raghead with one of these holy sights, he feels Jesus enter his heart," says Khan, "and that helps him nail the bastard right through the head."

There have been complaints that the biblical references contravene rule that prevent US troops spreading the word of God in Iraq and Afghanisation, which are notoriously Muslim countries.

"Atheist do-gooders back in Washington want us to fail in our true mission of bringing Jesus to these poor people," says Khan. "We're here to show them that our God is bigger than their god, and what better way to do it than by shooting as many of them as we can. If that doesn't get the message across, nothing will."

Nevertheless, as a result of the protests, Trijicon will no longer include the Bible references on future sights. And the company is providing kits to the military to remove them from existing equipment.

"That's like taking away the soldiers' body armor or saying they can't shoot civilians," says Khan. "Our boys have a tough job to do and they need God on their side. That's why I'm glad we now have these Crusader rounds.

The bullets are being supplied by an unamed company in Texas via a private security company, LethalResponse.com, which is supplying 'special services' in Iraq, Afghanistan, and parts of New York.

Like the sights, each bullet is engraved with a reference to the Bible, though some carry the Crusader motto Deus Vult (God wills it) or a famous saying by George W. Bush, such as 'Misunderestimate this!'.

The Pentagon was unavailable for comment as we went to press.

The next time America goes to war, it won't be according to plans drawn up in the Pentagon. Instead, it'll be a movie director calling 'action', and generals are likely to hand out Oscars instead of medals.

The Government is calling on the talents of the movie world to improve the image of war. It also hopes to exploit the organisational skills of Hollywood producers to ensure that future conflicts will come in on-time and on-budget.

The scheme was hatched after Hollywood producer Jerry Bruckheimer was given unprecedented access to troops in Afghanistan — access denied to journalists — to make a 'documentary' about 'American bravery'.

"Bruckheimer is Bush's Leni Riefenstahl," said one proud White House aide. "And that's what gave us the idea. Next time we go into some godforsaken shithole, let's make sure we at least have a good script."

Inside sources say that the Administration is tired of military campaigns starting well but fizzling out.

"You see it time and again," said Buck Trouserful, martial image consultant to the President. "At first, it's real exciting. Lots of explosions, hardcore hardware, great shots of missiles being launched and those really cool videos of precision bombs taking out bridges an' stuff. But then it all gets kinda talky-talky and before you know it, no-one can work out what the goddamn plot is. We lose people's attention and have to start another war to get it back again."

A special committee, convened by the Cabinet in secret, has been meeting with leading Hollywood screenwriters, producers and directors to discuss what one pundit has called "Washington's third act problem".

US military forces also hope to leverage the skills of movie set designers, make-up artists and special effects specialists to give wars a slicker, more marketable appeal.

"You don't see images of war in the glossy magazines, like Glamor or Vogue," said Trouserful. "That's untapped marketing potential. So we're looking into having the Marines' uniforms redesigned, get 'em into some designer labels. They already drive cool cars — I drive a Hummer myself — but green? Puhleeze!"

Santa Claus has been classified as an 'enemy insurgent' by the Department of Homeland Defense (DHS) and the Pentagon. If the jolly fat man shows his ruddy face in US airspace, he is liable to be shot down or captured and sent to Guantanamo Bay, said a spokesman for the DHS.

"Someone who goes around distributing high-value gifts for free is a clear and present danger to our way of life, founded as it is on the principles of capitalism. We have evidence that these so-called 'gifts' include Playstations, mobile phones and iPods. No-one gives stuff like that away for nothing. There has to be something behind this. At the very least the guy's a commie, but more likely he's a terrorist determined to undermine our society."

The spokesman pointed to the legend that such gifts are given only to 'boys and girls'. "This is a direct attack on the most vulnerable section of our community. We have an obligation to put a stop to this — you know, for the children."

He also emphasised that the only children who were promised such gifts were those who had been 'good'.

"What this means is children who are passive or timid," he explained. "That directly undermines the warriorlike ethos we have striven so hard to inculcate in our youngsters, through movies, video games, military academies and the general militarisation of our society. If this so-called Santa had his way, our children would grow up a nation of namby-pamby, peace-loving liberals. Then where would we be?"

Supported by a highly trained cadre of reindeer, Santa always works under the cover of darkness and repeatedly enters private homes by unconventional means, according to a Pentagon briefing. However, the traditional story that he breaks into every home in the world in one night is clearly impossible and points to the existence of a shadowy organisation, perhaps supporting a worldwide network of Santas who use the big white beard and red uniform to disguise their identities.

"What we want to know is, who's funding him and what's their agenda?" said a CIA agent who wished to remain anonymous. "But don't for a second doubt that their intention is malicious. Just one look at the horns on those reindeer will tell you that they mean business."

A major operation by the DHS has revealed a network of what it calls 'pseudo-Santas' or 'Santa sympathizers', working undercover in department stores across the country. A leaked memo describes the function of these fake fatties as "unclear" but says "they may represent a potential fifth column designed to spread propaganda and build support, or they may even be 'sleeper' cells awaiting the command to take action, which will probably be encoded in so-called 'carols'."

The DHS says it intends to take firm action against this new threat "as soon as our guys get back from the holidays".

Dismayed by the inability of US armed forces to impose peace on Iraq, US President George W Bush and Defence Secretary Robert Gates have opted to outsource the war to a private consortium.

Headed by a private firm, LethalResponse Inc — established by ex-Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld just minutes after losing his cabinet post — the consortium also includes Halliburton subsidiary Kellog Brown & Root and a number of leading US defence companies.

"It just makes sense," said a smiling Rumsfeld. "This war is costing billions, and there's no sense in that money going to waste in Iraq. It might as well go into American pockets."

It's understood that the consortium will sub-contract the war back to the US Army, though this may involve troops having to accept pay cuts and loss of what Rumsfeld described as 'frivolous fringe benefits', such as body armor and ammunition.

Sources close to the Pentagon say that the fee charged by the consortium will undercut the current price of the war by up to 3 percent. In return, the consortium will be allocated an undisclosed share of Iraq's oil revenues and will assume all contracts for supplying, transporting and maintaining US armed forces in Iraq.

"This is a great opportunity for America," said Rumsfeld from his company's headquarters in the Cayman Isles. "At least, it's a great opportunity for Americans who are shareholders in our company. Which means me and George. The war in Iraq is going from bad to worse, which means lots of business for our consortium. The guys who make the weapons and rockets and things are very happy. We've just contracted with a private airline to bring back the bodies and stuff, so they're happy. Everybody's happy!"

It is believed that President Bush will become a director of LethalResponse when his current term as President ends.

Britain's anti-terror forces have foiled a plot by terrorists to use ordinary clothing as explosives. Troops, armed police and private security guards - in an operation described by one spokesman as being of "huge self-importance" - swooped on airports to prevent the so-called 'shell-suit bombs' from being used in a devastating attack on airlines.

The unprecented security clampdown saw passengers embarking at several major UK airports, including Birmingham, Liverpool and Little Snoring, being forced to travel naked.

"We have strong evidence that terrorists were planning to use unstable man-made fabrics to bring down aeroplanes on long-haul international flights," said a spokesman for the security forces. "In particular, our intelligence pointed to flights terminating at Disney World, Florida and Malaga."

The spokesman said that the operation was the culmination of several months of monitoring internet chatrooms in which a number of people had been discussing the electrical properties of nylon. "This operation has prevented a fashion catastrophe of unprecented horror," said the spokesman.

Experts wheeled out by Britain's Home Office claimed that certain artificial fibres, when combined in the right way, are capable of unleashing energy capable of wreaking incalculable carnage.

"These fibres are easily obtainable in any high street," said Dr Felicity Crippen of the Government Agenda Support Institute. "When they are brought together, they generate an explosive force equivalent to several molecules of TNT. Get enough items of clothing in one place and you have a bomb of unimaginable horror."

The intelligence operation apparently centred on certain branches of Asda, C&A and Milletts. A sudden increase in sales of shell suits prompted the authorities to take action. "Milletts had a sale," said one unnamed anti-terror officer who can only be identified by his silhouette. "I mean, the prices were really amazingly low. And they sold out of shell suits in two days. That's when we knew we had to strike."

When asked about the timing of the operation, Chief Inspector Willy Woantee, head of the Special Branch Public Awareness Diversion Squad, pointed to a recent lack of terror alerts and some very disturbing stories coming out of the Middle East. "It was the right time, without a doubt," he said.

Asked whether arrests of terror suspects were expected in the near future, Chief Inspector Woantee said, "We are expecting a large number of arrests in Liverpool." When pushed as to whether any of these would be related to the terror plot he added, "It's too soon to tell".

Several airlines have released statements pointing out that they don't fly from these airports, but that in response to government pressure they would be considering banning clothes on all budget flights.