Taking his lead from Queen Elizabeth of England and US presidents, Osama Bin Laden is to release a Christmas video.

"It's his message for all the people of the world at this special time of the year," said an Al Qaeda PR spokesman.

The organization would not reveal details of the video except to say that "it might contain a few surprises".

Terrorism experts and news networks are said to be looking forward to the video. "With all the goodwill that the holiday season generates, it's a lean time of the year for folks like us," said one War-on-Terror pundit. "This should help produce some much-needed appearance fees and boost our book sales. It's time that people stopped being so indulgent at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever, and realized that they should be just as afraid as they are the rest of the year."

Whereas previous Al Qaeda videos have been leaked through Middle Eastern news agencies, Bin Laden's Christmas recording will be available on Youtube and for download from iTunes, claimed the PR spokesman. He was unable to say if the file would be DRM-free.

According to unnamed sources, Osama Bin Laden has signed a deal with US-based LethalResponse Inc to provide personal protection services, secure transportation and "ad hoc operational capability".

One Syrian-based source said: "We believe he looked at using Blackwater at first, but wasn't impressed by the negative publicity they seem to be getting. Image is important for a terrorist leader and he thought any association with Blackwater might tarnish his reputation."

It's thought that Bin Laden has taken this step because of the increasing lawlessness and violence in some areas of Afghanistan and Pakistan. "In Bora Bora and the desolate border areas, not even the Al Qaeda top brass feel safe anymore," said one local tribesman. "It's like the Wild West out here."

Little is known about LethalResponse. Defense experts have claimed that it maintains links with members of the current US cabinet, some of whom may be silent board members. And they say it recruits mercenaries from ex-members of the US Marine Corps, LAPD, university campus guards and visitors to gun shows.

Some members of Congress have already raised concerns about this new deal. Like Blackwater and many other private security companies, LethalResponse has a number of contracts in Iraq. For example, it is responsible for protecting convoys delivering the large amounts of cash needed to pay private security contractors. "They don't call them soldiers of fortune for nothing," said Senator Ignatius 'Piggy' Barrell (Republican).

He added: "This does suggest a certain conflict of interest. However, I think we can leave this to market forces. It's not our place to intervene in what are essentially matters of private enterprise."

The creature that has haunted the nightmares of generations of children has now confessed to being a member of terrorist group Al Qaeda.

The Bogeyman (also known as the 'Boogeyman' in states that do not believe in evolution) says that he joined an insurgent cell in Iraq, financed by Osama bin Laden, two years ago. This followed a period of self-doubt and depression during which he began to question his very existence.

"In this world of YouTube and MySpace, there just doesn't seem to be a place for mythical creatures like me any more," said the beast via his publicist, Steven King, in Fallujah. "It was really getting me down and I started to think, 'what's the point?'."

Then the evil specter heard about Al Qaeda. "I hadn't really been following the news — I'd kinda given up because every time you turn it on it's always bad. So it took me a while to hear about these guys."

The Bogeyman says he might have been misled about the nature of the terrorists.

"I already had the facial hair and like to hide out in caves," he said. "So I thought, 'hey, these guys are just like me'. I figured it would be like joining a club, or something."

Moving from New Jersey to Iraq was the biggest shock of his existence, said the beast. "Hell, you think some parts of Newark are rough. You should try getting a pizza after 9pm in Sadr City."

After two years of hiding in the desert, eating bugs and biting the heads off private security guards, the Bogeyman said he'd had enough. "One day I just freaked," he said. "It was like I'd got two years' worth of The Willies. I mean, these guys are really scary."

The Bogeyman said he would be leaving the Middle East and returning to the US as soon as he could get a flight from Baghdad. Surprisingly, he said he has had no problem with no-fly lists. "Maybe that's because I always travel first class," he said.

A White House spokesman said that President George W Bush would now be sleeping with the light on.

The Iraqi Government is about to execute the lookalikes who posed as Saddam Hussein during his long reign of terror, according to sources in Baghdad.

The dictator's doubles pretended to be Saddam on occasions when the real Iraqi president was busy elsewhere — or afraid of assassination attempts. CIA reports suggest that as many as a dozen men regularly played the part of the Evil One, but there are people within the current Iraqi Government who believe the figure is actually much higher.

"We're going to have to hang them all," said a spokesman for the Iraqi Government, who refused to be named because he's actually an American and doesn't want people to think the Iraqis aren't making their own decisions, especially when it comes to executing people.

"Let's face it," he added, "every other guy in this goddamned country looks like Saddam. That means there's an outside chance we actually offed the wrong one. So, to be on the safe side, we're going to kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out."

A crack US intelligence squad has so far identified around 352,000 candidates. "Now the tough work begins, narrowing 'em down to the ones that really could be Saddam or one of his regular stand-ins. It isn't as easy as you'd think."

When asked how they would do this, the source said: "We're basing it mainly on the width and bushiness of the moustache. There are other metrics, too, but telling you about them might reveal intelligence sources and methods."

The source claims he does not fear a public outcry at the planned mass-hangings. "There was a lot of jubilation on the street when we hanged what we believed to be Saddam," he said. "Way things are going, we can make that a weekly event."

The next time America goes to war, it won't be according to plans drawn up in the Pentagon. Instead, it'll be a movie director calling 'action', and generals are likely to hand out Oscars instead of medals.

The Government is calling on the talents of the movie world to improve the image of war. It also hopes to exploit the organisational skills of Hollywood producers to ensure that future conflicts will come in on-time and on-budget.

The scheme was hatched after Hollywood producer Jerry Bruckheimer was given unprecedented access to troops in Afghanistan — access denied to journalists — to make a 'documentary' about 'American bravery'.

"Bruckheimer is Bush's Leni Riefenstahl," said one proud White House aide. "And that's what gave us the idea. Next time we go into some godforsaken shithole, let's make sure we at least have a good script."

Inside sources say that the Administration is tired of military campaigns starting well but fizzling out.

"You see it time and again," said Buck Trouserful, martial image consultant to the President. "At first, it's real exciting. Lots of explosions, hardcore hardware, great shots of missiles being launched and those really cool videos of precision bombs taking out bridges an' stuff. But then it all gets kinda talky-talky and before you know it, no-one can work out what the goddamn plot is. We lose people's attention and have to start another war to get it back again."

A special committee, convened by the Cabinet in secret, has been meeting with leading Hollywood screenwriters, producers and directors to discuss what one pundit has called "Washington's third act problem".

US military forces also hope to leverage the skills of movie set designers, make-up artists and special effects specialists to give wars a slicker, more marketable appeal.

"You don't see images of war in the glossy magazines, like Glamor or Vogue," said Trouserful. "That's untapped marketing potential. So we're looking into having the Marines' uniforms redesigned, get 'em into some designer labels. They already drive cool cars — I drive a Hummer myself — but green? Puhleeze!"