The National Security Agency (NSA) and the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) are to sue Facebook, according to rumors currently circulating in Washington and Virginia. But they may be in for a shock. Sources close to the White House say that President George W Bush is considering closing the super-spook agency and making cut-backs in the CIA budget.

"Why do we need expensive organizations like the NSA and CIA to spy on US citizens when we can just use Facebook and MySpace?" said one White House insider.

Leaks from the NSA suggest that it feels Facebook is trespassing on its turf. "We invented this shit," said one whistleblower. "The whole thing about spying on people and building up profiles? We started that. Hell, even the word 'profile' is ours. So we're going to nail their asses for infringement of our intellectual property. And besides, these days we could do with the money."

But in a shock response, some in the intelligence community are suggesting that the NSA and CIA are no longer pulling their weight. One congressman, with links to defense committees, said: "In this modern, connected world, do we really need these old-fashioned organizations? The interweb pipes already contain more data than these agencies can collect. These days, if I want information on, well, anything, I don't bother with government sources. I just ask my nine year-old daughter to use the Google."

Defense contractors, including Lockheed Martin and General Dynamics, already exploit publicly accessible web sources as part of their homeland defense, trusted traveler and border security systems. These use data mining techniques, scouring personal websites, blogs, social networking sites and internet forums. The systems build profiles on people who are suspected, or might be suspected, or might have met someone who is suspected of being a terrorist, a drug baron, an activist or who is in some other way 'special'.

"The amount of data we can build about people is incredible," said one unattributable source. "Take photos. Some people are worried that the federal government is building a database of driver's license and passport photos. But why would we bother? All we need to do is scrape Facebook, MySpace and Flickr. That way, we gets lots of pictures of you, with different expressions, different lighting conditions, different angles. And you kindly label the pictures for us — not just yourself but all your known associates. And you tell us where and when the pictures were taken. That's really cool. These days, we don't bother following people, we just check out their Flickr albums."

The same source said that users' 'friends' lists are also invaluable. "Do you have any idea how much work it takes to build a list of known associates? It can take weeks, years. With Facebook and MySpace, it's all right there. And the really bad guys don't even have to have Facebook accounts. We just need to find one of their friends, associates or contacts who does and bingo! We have the whole network right there. I mean, if you've come into contact with a terrorist, or someone who's met a terrorist, or anyone else we deem untrustworthy, then that's reasonable cause for suspicion, right? I mean, you'd want us watching someone like you, right?"

The NSA was unavailable for comment.

Scientists working at a research facility in England claim they have identified the gene that makes us believe in God.

Working with genetically modified mice, the scientists found that animals without the co-called 'God gene' were less afraid, more inquisitive about the world around them and were better at solving problems. The godless mice also tended to sleep more on Sundays.

When faced with the same problems, mice bred so that the God gene was dominant were more likely to sit around waiting for something to happen. If the scientists intervened, the god-fearing mice would cower in groups, roll over in apparent ecstasy or simply die of shock.

In later experiments, the scientists removed the same gene from dogs and found that they were no longer obedient and in some cases approached the intelligence levels of cats.

A study of the human genome revealed an identical gene that is usually paired with genetic markers for long arms and low brows.

The scientists have requested anonymity for themselves and the institution for which they work, fearing a backlash from both fundamentalist believers and militant atheists.

"At first sight, this would seem to be an evolutionary anomaly," said Christopher Hawkins, the scientist, controversial columnist and award-winning author of Screw God: why believers are nutjobs. "After all, what is the evolutionary advantage of selecting for fear and subservience? However, it is clearly a way of making people obedient to a leader — probably someone without the gene — in times of crisis. This is another example of how society and our own intellectual development have outpaced our genetic makeup. We simply not longer benefit from this adaptation and, in time, we will see it disappear. Should only take a million years or so."

However, not everyone agrees.

"This is the clearest sign yet of God's existence," said evangelical minister and billionaire, Seth Kredulous. "If there's a gene that makes us believe, it must be because God put it there. He wants us to love, obey and fear him and this is His way of making sure we do."

Homosexuals are destroying the planet. That's the stunning conclusion of a report by a British scientist working for a worldwide research institute.

"Global warming is a gay issue," said the organization's chief para-scientist, Professor Helmut Junk at a press conference yesterday. "The heat generated in discos, bath houses, the manufacture of interior furnishings, leather tanning and the result of ... um .... friction, is a major contributor to the global rise in mean temperature. There are also lifestyle issues, such as homosexuals' liking for gas-guzzling Jeeps and the environmental impact of frequent vacations in Ibiza, Gran Canaria, San Francisco and Margate."

He denied, however, that gays' fondness for houseplants and gardening offsets their carbon footprint to a degree.

Prof Junk's work is sponsored by the United Faith Science & Biblical Truth Foundation. According to the organization's marketing material, "The UFS&BTF adopts a far more rigorous attitude to science than most scientists. The science community in general is all too willing to accept ideas — even the most bizarre and outlandish theories such as evolution, relativity and paleontology — based on little more than data, factual evidence and predictability. Our organization adopts a more selective and stringent approach. That's because we go the extra mile and ensure that our ideas conform with the ultimate test of reason and commonsense — the Word of God."

While refusing to release the details of the study, Junk added: "The important thing is that, at last, we have the most convincing and morally correct proof, in scientific-sounding terms, about the roots of this important issue."

The triumphant culmination of India's space program has been ruined by the revelation that it was all the result of a prank call.

Kevin Spoor, an unemployed bricklayer from Tottenham, London, has confessed to calling the Indian Space Research Organisation to order a home delivery of chicken korma, pilau rice, nan bread and two Kingfisher beers.

"It just seemed like a funny idea, to give our address as 'Sea of Tranquillity, the moon, ring top bell'," said a contrite Spoor. "But that was, like, ten years ago, and I'd forgotten all about it."

Ganesh Mukhurdjee, the astronaut who arrived on the moon in the early hours of this morning on a heavily modified moped, radioed a message to say that the food was spoiled and that he was worried it would come out of his wages.

In the meantime, Spoor — who describes his hobbies as 'having a laugh' and 'robbing' — says he was surprised by the arrival on the Indian spacecraft on the moon. "I mean, the moon's English, innit? I'll thump anyone who says any different."

On being told, via mobile text message, that the British had never had a manned space program, let alone landed anyone on the moon, Spoor replied: "That can't be right. In any case, it's not bleedin' Indian is it? Bloody immigrants come over here. Next thing you know, one's moved into the planetary body next door."

The Indian Government has announced that it intends to follow-up on its achievement by establishing a base on the moon, just as soon as it can find suitable flock wallpaper.

The US Government is exploiting the Internet to enslave the minds of millions of people.

A covert operation is using secret codes buried in Internet messages to trigger bizarre brain reflexes among a large section of the population. In many cases, victims are reduced to babbling idiots with a compulsive desire to impose their delusions on the rest of the world. But some are transformed into unwilling mind-control slaves who then use the Internet to spread government propaganda and disinformation.

"These messages are distributed using Usenet newsgroups," said a leading cryptology analyst, Mr Y, who refused to be named in case his wife finds out where he is. "The people who use Usenet are known to be particularly vulnerable to these kinds of brain distortions. I mean, they're already half-way wacko."

According to Y: "Thousands of Internet users find themselves uncontrollably spewing all kinds of ludicrous theories on to the Net — stuff about UFOs, conspiracies, Lady Diana, Elvis, how the government is responsible for 9/11 and the shooting of JFK and about fraud at Enron. Weird shit that no sane person would ever believe."

He claims that the Government is doing this to discredit serious investigators in areas that might embarrass it. "By harnessing the power of hundreds of Net users they create a tidal wave of gibberish. Anyone genuine who starts looking into what's really happening at Area 51 or in the boardroooms of US corporations gets tarred with the same 'loony' brush."

But is it possible that some of the raving nutjobs might just be mad anyway?

"It's possible," says Y, "but the scores of affected people we've logged and monitored show genuine signs of deterioration once they've been on Usenet for a while. And the only explanation for that is a massive Government conspiracy using advanced technology to turn us into mind-control slaves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to log on."