A Russian spacecraft that was supposed to land on Mars' biggest moon, Phobos, has been taken over by extraterrestrials, said sources close to the space agency Roscosmos.

The 15-tonne Phobos-Grunt probe failed to fire its main engine, ending up in Earth orbit instead of hurtling towards the Red Planet. Yet reliable press reports indicate that, instead of slowing falling towards annihilation in Earth's atmosphere, it is actually increasing altitude.

"In spite of all the speculation, there is clearly only one sane explanation for this," claimed William H Carpenter, chief of the Carpenter Foundation for the Unexplained Truth. "Martians have taken control of the spacecraft and are now using it to probe us."

Without power from an engine, such a rising orbit is impossible. Carpenter believes the required energy is being delivered by an alien craft that has now docked with the crippled Russian vehicle.

"The history of Mars missions is littered with failures for both Russia and the US," said Carpenter. "Russia hasn't had a truly successful Mars mission and many of NASA's attempts have ended in failure. I think the Brits tried and failed, too."

The reason for this is simple, he said. "Martians don't like being probed. Who does?"

Some contact has been made with the Phobos-Grunt spacecraft, but Roscosmos is being cagey about what information has been exchanged. Rumors circulating within the space community suggest that the Russians may have received an unexpected message from the craft which might explain its strange behaviour. 

"It's definitely aliens," said Carpenter, "or maybe the Chinese."

CIA agents have joined protests in major centers of capitalism around the world. But instead of spying on the protestors, they're complaining as loudly as anyone.

Inspired by the Occupy Wall Street movement, people have taken to the streets in many major cities, including London and Rome. Most of the demonstrators are made up of anarchists, the unemployed and teenagers who've just discovered politics.

But it turns out they're not the only ones angry with the real world.

"Capitalism has gone all to hell," said one veteran CIA operative in a Guy Fawkes mask who works out of the London office. "We used to have a great time fighting commies - all the guns, helicopters and money we wanted. Now all you hear is that there's no cash. Budget cutbacks. Guys being laid off. But the money's out there somewhere, so who's got it?"

In spite of billions of dollars being appropriated for fighting terrorism after 9/11, most of it is going into the pockets of private contractors, said the CIA spook.

"Took me four weeks to requisition the funds to buy a hooker for a honeytrap," he said. "And another two weeks to get the bullets to terminate the target once we'd trapped him.

"But," he added, "my department spent $2 billion on a 'Terrorist Detector' app for our iPhones from some company in Tel Aviv. Turned out it was just a rebadged version of Foursquare."

At the same time, spooks are suffering like anyone else.

"I can't get a mortgage," he said, "on account of being a 'bad risk' or something. I'm supposed to be the one who says who's a bad risk.

"Meanwhile, cost of living's going up. Have you seen the price of Kevlar clothing?"

The CIA agent said he'd recognised a number of colleagues in the crowd around St Paul's Cathedral. "That's fella's NSA," he said. "Coupla FBI guys here, too. Guess they're all PO'd."

Asked if he thinks this is the start of a worldwide revolution, the CIA agent said: "Oh God I hope so. Things might be back to normal then."

Sources close to the Pentagon have now confirmed that the person shot dead in a compound in Pakistan was a "very convincing" look-alike for Osama bin Laden.

But officials have refused to comment on rumours that the man posing as the Al Qaeda leader was, in fact, ex-Enron boss Ken Lay.

"We've known for some time that Lay was hiding out on the Afghanistan/Pakistan border," said a senior military intelligence officer who refused to be named. "As you correctly reported in the World Inquisitor some time ago, Lay had joined the Taleban and we believe he was operating under the nom de guerre of Ken bin Laden, as a way of creating confusion among western intelligence agencies. And that certainly worked."

Although President Barack Obama and other government leaders were quick to celebrate the death of Osama bin Laden, doubts crept in very quickly among a number of experts.

"Clearly, this was never bin Laden himself," said William H Carpenter, who heads the Carpenter Foundation for Governmental Conspiracy Verification. "The compound in Abbottabad was said to be luxurious - just the kind of place you'd expect to find the fugitive boss of an American corporation. But bin Laden is known to prefer caves."

According to Carpenter, the photographs of the 'dead' bin Laden show clears signs of Photoshopping. "In fact," he said, "we have evidenced that the images were manipulated by the same people who modified the Obama birth certificate photos."

Carpenter said the next step for the authorities will be to fabricate DNA evidence. "No-one has any way of checking that," he said. "They could take any DNA and say it was bin Laden's. How are we to know? And I've also heard that his body has already been buried at sea. How convenient is that?"

It's likely that US military operations will remain in place around the 'Black Caves' of Tora Bora in Afghanistan - ostensibly to locate other members of Al Qaeda, but in fact to continue the hunt for bin Laden himself.

"That's going to take some time, maybe years," said Carpenter. "And, obviously, President Obama needed a victory now, before the next election, hence the conspiracy. In any case, they're looking in the wrong place. I've been saying for years that bin Laden is actually holed up on the French Polynesian island of Bora Bora. I mean, wouldn't you?"

Following intense pressure from Donald Trump and Usenet activists, the White House has finally released a copy of President Barack Obama's long-form birth certificate.

And he's Chinese!

"We wanted to shut up these Birther idiots once and for all," said a White House spokesman, "so we spent all Easter weekend looking for the damn thing. We finally found it stuffed in an envelope with some old utility bills, three tickets to an Emerson, Lake & Palmer concert and seven AOL CDs."

The certificate appears to show Obama's birthplace as Honolulu. However, advanced image analysis by the Carpenter Foundation for American National Purity reveals that the document was recently altered.

"Clearly this is a cover-up of epic proportions," said William Carpenter, founder of the Foundation. "We haven't seen a whitewash of these dimensions since the Nixon days. Except for Clinton. And Bush. And the other Bush."

It's believed that the Carpenter Foundation was hired by Trump to examine the document.

"Trump wanted to prove, once and for all, that Obama is a Muslim," said Carpenter. "This is a huge disappointment for him."

Careful image manipulation showed that Obama's place of birth was not, in fact, Hawaii but the town of Honororo, in the Heilongjiang province of China.

"Although it shows he's not an American, Trump has to be careful not to upset the Chinese," said NewWorldDisorder, a Usenet researcher and aluminum foil salesman. "Hell, no-one wants to upset the Chinese - they own half our damn country." 

Trump has now told Yahoo! News that he simply want to "move on" with what remains of his life.

The United Nations (UN) one-world government is laying out the red carpet for its alien masters, according to insiders within the totalitarian regime.

As the chief organisation of the New World Order, the UN has already established the super-secret Office of Outer Space Affairs (UNOOSA).

Now it has appointed a little-known Malaysian 'astrophysicist' - Mazlan Othman - to head the welcoming party. Her role will be confirmed by the top UN Illuminati using a Royal Society conference in Buckingham, England as a cover for their meeting.

"The timing is highly significant," said Professor William H Carpenter, leader of the Carpenter Foundation for Intergalactic Networking. "We know that the Pope - the vicar of the New World Order - has just been to England. It's clear he was making preparations. No doubt he will sneak back unannounced to attend this so-called conference."

Carpenter also points to the current withdrawal of troops from Iraq.

"They're going to be needed at home," he explains. "The UN may be happy about a visit from thousands of extraterrestrials in highly advanced craft with devastating weapons, but most people are going to feel a tad uneasy."

There will be riots, said the Prof. He advises everyone to stay calm, buy guns and make sure you have plenty of canned food.