Art experts have stunned the world with the revelation that Adolph Hitler painted a UFO - long before he became the world renowned Nazi leader.

The Nazis are known to have reverse engineered alien spaceships. Now historians are beginning to ask what role Hitler's early contact with aliens might have played in his rise to power and the early successes of the Nazi regime.

Connoisseur and militia leader William H Carpenter, head of the Carpenter Foundation for Extraterrestrial Research & the Arts, says that Hitler's 1913 painting of Madonna and Child clearly shows a flying saucer beaming death rays.

Art critics have traditionally dismissed the object, which is seen hovering over fields in the background of the painting, as a poor rendition of the sun. "Most people know Hitler was a painter," says Rupert Poncy-Eversnoott, critic-at-large for leading London art autioneers Cysties. "But not everyone knows just how crap he was."

But Carpenter's reassessment of the painting comes to a much more sinister conclusion. "Hitler was known to paint from life," he says, "and I have no doubt that this is a scene he personally witnessed - apart from the Virgin Mary and Jesus, of course. The rest of the painting is executed with great skill. I have no doubt that the same goes for that unearthly craft in the background."

But was this the only time the budding genocidal maniac came into contact with extraterrestrial forces?

"Hitler's rise to power and the Nazis' stunning successes in conquering Europe, these can be explained in only one way," says Carpenter. "He had help." 

Carpenter believes that Hitler may have been abducted by the same aliens he painted. "Alien abductees share some common traits," he says. "They believe themselves to have been chosen for a special purpose. They have a special message for the world which only they can deliver. If that doesn't describe Hitler, I don't know what does. And the aliens who abducted Hitler that day were themselves embroiled in a great conflict, which would have given Hitler a very warlike attitude." 

Carpenter claims the proof of this is that the painting actually shows a battle between two extraterrestrial spacecraft.

"The saucer is at the top, cut in half by the edge of the painting," he explains. "If Hitler had simply imagined this, he would have been more careful. The way the saucer is cropped by the frame reminds us of photographs, snapshots where people's heads or feet are cut off. It's evident that Hitler was painting furiously and without any thought for composition. And that's because he was painting a dramatic scene unfolding in front of him."

According to Carpenter, the death rays emanating from the saucer partly mask another spacecraft - a triangular UFO. Yet triangular UFOs wouldn't become popular until 70 years after Hitler painted this image, and 40 years after the dictator's death.

"Clearly, this is a visionary painting," says Carpenter. "It demonstrates an insight into celestial entities and their technology that could only have been gained through direct contact."

The lack of documentary evidence to support the idea that Hitler was an alien abductee, and that the Nazis used alien technology, leads inevitably to one conclusion, claims Carpenter.

"It's a conspiracy," he says. "I believe a secret Nazi-Zionist-Marxist cabal of terrorist bankers is harboring this knowledge, this technology and will exploit it for their own sinister ends, probably as society begins to break down in the current economic depression."

We should all be alert for the signs, he says. But who should we watch?

"The Germans," he says. "It's always the Germans."

Every US citizen is to be branded with the mark of the beast, warns leading conspiracy vendor and militia leader Dr William H Carpenter.

The Government's LoyalCitizen scheme - reported exclusively by the Weekly World Inquisitor - will mean that all citizens must have identifying chips embedded in their arms. These Radio Frequency Identification devices - no bigger than a grain of sand - will mean that police officers, state and US troops, federal agents, security contractors and others will be able to find out who you are just by pointing an electronic reader at you.

"We used to think that the number of the beast was 666," says Carpenter. "Now we know it's RFID."

The scheme has been contracted out to LRID, the identification and verification subsidiary of security specialist LethalResponse. In a press statement, LRID (motto:"We're a shot in the arm"), says: "This move must be welcomed by every patriot and law-abiding citizen. Positively identifying and verifying every citizen as often as possible will allow us to reduce fraud, cut crime and fight terrorism. We will know for certain who you are and what you're doing, and that's how we can be sure that you're okay."

Carpenter has stated that both he and his followers will refuse to have the chips. "No-one's putting a bug under my skin," he says. "And what about people who don't even have arms, like Iraqi war vets?"

He adds: "Now your every movement can be tracked - where you are, who you're with. And because RFID tags are already being used in everyday products, they'll even know what you're wearing."

But LRID points to the many benefits. "Whether you're making purchases in a store, applying for a driver's license, or being challenged at a highway checkpoint, you'll be able to prove your identity without carrying easily lost documents or making any dangerously sudden movements."

A woman in Nevada claims that rampaging angels molested her sausage dog during a night of unmitigated supernal lust.

"I've always believed in angels and thought they were watching out for me," said the 49 year-old, 300-pound, unemployed canine dental hygienist from Sparks. "Now I'm afraid to take Muffy for a walk in case they come back."

The woman says she was alerted to the angels' presence by the faint strains of a celestial chorus. But all too soon, celestial turned to bestial.

"We were in the back yard, waiting for Muffy to do his business," she said."Then I saw them. They were so small, so cute. I knew at once they were angels sent to bless me. And I could tell they were young, just teenagers really."

But it wasn't the dog dentist the angels had come to bless.

"Suddenly they started flying in a circle around Muffy. I thought that was nice - until they started ... you know, doing things."

The flabby flosser fled inside, ignoring Muffy's yelps of despair.

"I knew what they were doing by the sounds Muffy was making. It was horrible. It went on for hour after hour. I just couldn't bear to watch. I had to imagine what they were up to."

Now she is afraid to go outside. "I watch the skies every evening, just in case."

It's not only the heavenly ravishing itself that has upset the huge hygienist - it's the long-term effects. "I just can't get closure," she says. "I need to sue someone, but who?"

The US Government is about to launch a citizen loyalty scheme in which true patriots will receive enhanced benefits - even free gifts - by collecting points for good citizenship.

LoyalCitizen membership cards can be used to provide proof of identity when shopping, applying for jobs, in bars and restaurants, in libraries or bookshops, and when passing through highway checkpoints.

Security specialist company LethalResponse has been appointed prime contractor for the program.

"Every citizen enrolled in the program earns loyalty points each time he or she uses LC authentication to make major purchases, participates in Government-sponsored initiatives or provides information to the authorities about suspect activity by other persons," said a LethalResponse PR sergeant. "It's an opportunity for all good and eligible citizens to prove their patriotism, receive the full benefits of the state and win valuable prizes." 

When asked about the membership card, he replied: "It's not an ID card. It's definitely not an ID card. You'll be able to join up at Walmart. Would we do that with ID cards?"

Citizens who have accumulated points can redeem them against gifts or special privileges - such as a sandwich toaster, leaf blower, medical treatment or legal defense services.

President Elect Barack Obama has quit his new job, even before taking office.

"I knew this country was in a bad state," he said. "I just had no idea how bad."

A source close to the President Elect said that he was shocked by what he saw when he visited dead duck President George W Bush at the White House.

"It wasn't just the state of the place," he said. "We expected that. The half-empty pizza boxes and beer cans in the Oval Office. The way all the computers in the communications suite were logged into porn sites. It was like a frat house. But nothing that couldn't get cleaned up in a week or so."

What especially perturbed the visitors, said the source, was how nothing seems to have been done around the place for months, maybe years.

"In the Oval Office was one of those toy basketball hoops - you know, the kind that makes a cheering noise when you manage to throw something in it," he claimed. "All around the hoop were balled up pieces of paper that turned out to be CIA, NSA and Pentagon briefings dating back to 2000."

The biggest problem, said the source, is that Bush won't stop being President. "Even though no-one likes him, even though he's acknowledged as the worst President in history, he keeps doing stuff and just making it worse. He gave up long ago trying to fix problems like his wars, drugs, the tanking economy and the ecological crisis. So he's spending his last days like a petulant toddler on PCP. He's putting oil refineries in national parks. He's pardoning murderers. Thanks to Bush, America is already in the shitter and now he's trying to flush it."

According to Obama's retinue, the final straw came when the President Elect was briefed by senior people within the intelligence community, the State Department and the Treasury. "That's when we found out that - bad as we thought it was - Bush and his cronies had still been lying to us. It's so, so much worse."

According to insiders, at the end of the meeting Obama commented: "I love America, but I'm not cleaning that up!"