Apple Computers today unveiled its long-awaited iSlave mind control device. Aimed at law enforcement officers, UN stormtroopers and New World Order henchmen, the handheld unit allows users to take over the actions of nearby citizens while also checking email, tweeting and listening to iTunes.

"Initially, it will work only on long-time Apple users," said a company spokesdrone at the launch. "Until the Government gets going with its large-scale brainwashing and chipping program, we'll have to rely on that portion of the population that's used to doing what it's told."

According to the official announcement, the iSlave runs on a 50MHz ARM CPU chip, and uses RFID technology reversed engineered from the alien craft that crashed at Roswell. Apple claims that the 850g device will run for as much as 30 minutes between charges and can control slaves at distances of up to 5 metres.

The iSlave has a 3in touchscreen allowing the use of mouse gestures to gain fast access to commands such as 'run', 'stop' and 'open fire'.

A number of apps have been announced to coincide with the launch.

• SlaveMaster integrates with the Bento database package to allow users to manage groups of slaves. It also links to iCal so that busy henchmen can schedule slave actions in the future, with automatic pop-up alerts and color-coding for different slave types.
• FaceSlave automatically updates each slave's Facebook status with what they're doing, and to whom.
• SlavePod allows slavemasters to download music from the iTunes Music Store direct to the slave's iPod (all slaves have iPods). Apple has signed deals with a number of record companies to provide suitable tracks which, it's believed, contain hidden messages. The first to become available will be James Blunt's new album 'Squeal like a girl' aimed at male mind-control sex slaves.
• SlaveWave uses Google Wave to co-ordinate actions between slavemasters, as well as letting them share digital photos of what their slaves are up to (not available in China).
• SlaveWall automatically 'terminates' slaves who try to go beyond the range of the iSlave (available only in China).

Some firms have complained that the apps they submitted for the iSlave have been rejected by Apple. Most of those companies have since disappeared.

One app, HappyClappyApple, which makes owners of Apple products buy everything the company produces, was initially approved but was later withdrawn by the company as being "redundant". 

Apple also used the launch event to announce its new iPad tablet computer. Every journalist attending the event bought one.

A secret cabal of bankers, technocrats, politicians and fashion designers is engaged in a new conspiracy, and this time its target is your body.

'The Scent of Fear' is a new perfume and toiletries range about to be launched on an unsuspecting publlic.

"It's all about eradicating our individuality," claims conspiracy watcher William H Carpenter. "For centuries, the fashion industry has been toiling away, in the pay of its One World Government masters, to make us look the same, smell the same and think the same. This is just the latest stage in that process."

Carpenter, who operates from an armed complex somewhere in the Nevada desert, says the new scheme is the brainchild of some of the top members of the Illuminati, the leaders of the New World Order.

"I love the smell of perfume," he says, "but this one smells like ... enslavement."

Popular scents already make large portions of the population smell alike, Carpenter points out. But what the New World Order wants is complete uniformity.

"Maybe ten per cent of young people smell of Lagerfeld or Chanel or Chlöe," he says. "But that's still too much choice. And changing scent is a means of disguise. If we all smell the same, the NWO can train its tracker and attack dogs to ignore the perfume and go for the human odor beneath. These dogs will be conditioned not to smell Fear."

The first product in the range, 'Fear pour Femme', will be a perfume and eau de toilette sold in a bottle resembling a hand grenade. The handle operates the atomizer while pulling the pin will deliver an extra-large dose for emergency situations. Releasing the handle after pulling the pin will trigger a rape alarm.

"This alarm will be monitored from the NORAD facilities in Cheyenne Mountain," claims Carpenter. "But don't expect help to arrive. It's just a way of identifying sexually active and unruly elements in society. I think we can expect a series of raids by Special Forces teams on frat houses and popular Spring Break locations."

Every US citizen is to be branded with the mark of the beast, warns leading conspiracy vendor and militia leader Dr William H Carpenter.

The Government's LoyalCitizen scheme - reported exclusively by the Weekly World Inquisitor - will mean that all citizens must have identifying chips embedded in their arms. These Radio Frequency Identification devices - no bigger than a grain of sand - will mean that police officers, state and US troops, federal agents, security contractors and others will be able to find out who you are just by pointing an electronic reader at you.

"We used to think that the number of the beast was 666," says Carpenter. "Now we know it's RFID."

The scheme has been contracted out to LRID, the identification and verification subsidiary of security specialist LethalResponse. In a press statement, LRID (motto:"We're a shot in the arm"), says: "This move must be welcomed by every patriot and law-abiding citizen. Positively identifying and verifying every citizen as often as possible will allow us to reduce fraud, cut crime and fight terrorism. We will know for certain who you are and what you're doing, and that's how we can be sure that you're okay."

Carpenter has stated that both he and his followers will refuse to have the chips. "No-one's putting a bug under my skin," he says. "And what about people who don't even have arms, like Iraqi war vets?"

He adds: "Now your every movement can be tracked - where you are, who you're with. And because RFID tags are already being used in everyday products, they'll even know what you're wearing."

But LRID points to the many benefits. "Whether you're making purchases in a store, applying for a driver's license, or being challenged at a highway checkpoint, you'll be able to prove your identity without carrying easily lost documents or making any dangerously sudden movements."

The US Government is about to launch a citizen loyalty scheme in which true patriots will receive enhanced benefits - even free gifts - by collecting points for good citizenship.

LoyalCitizen membership cards can be used to provide proof of identity when shopping, applying for jobs, in bars and restaurants, in libraries or bookshops, and when passing through highway checkpoints.

Security specialist company LethalResponse has been appointed prime contractor for the program.

"Every citizen enrolled in the program earns loyalty points each time he or she uses LC authentication to make major purchases, participates in Government-sponsored initiatives or provides information to the authorities about suspect activity by other persons," said a LethalResponse PR sergeant. "It's an opportunity for all good and eligible citizens to prove their patriotism, receive the full benefits of the state and win valuable prizes." 

When asked about the membership card, he replied: "It's not an ID card. It's definitely not an ID card. You'll be able to join up at Walmart. Would we do that with ID cards?"

Citizens who have accumulated points can redeem them against gifts or special privileges - such as a sandwich toaster, leaf blower, medical treatment or legal defense services.