The Moon is shrinking and by 2012 it will have vanished completely, warn astrophysics conspiracy experts. And it's all the fault of top secret NASA experiments that have gone badly wrong.

Whistleblower organization NASAConspiracyWatch has obtained images under a Freedom of Information request that clearly show wrinkles forming on the lunar surface - some of them very recent.

"It's possible that the Moon's diameter has decreased by as much as 300ft since we started taking measurements," says William H Carpenter, head of the Carpenter Foundation for Belief in Science. "After we broke the story, NASA has started trying to add its own spin, calling the shrinkage natural and ancient. It's anything but."

So-called 'lobate scarps', photographed by NASA's spy satellite, the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO), are giant wrinkles formed as the Moon's core shrinks and the surface contracts. The fact that some of these run through young craters prove that the shrinkage is recent.

"There can only be one explanation," says Carpenter. "Or maybe two."

He points to lunar bombing raids carried out by the US Air Force under the guise of NASA missions. "These were intended to destroy underground alien bases," says Carpenter, "but there has almost certainly been some collateral damage. It's possible that the Moon's crust has been compromised allowing the escape of gases and, you know, other stuff. Now the Moon is collapsing like a punctured balloon."

However, Carpenter says a more probable explanation is that the disappearing Moon is the result of a scientific experiment that went badly wrong. What's more, the scientists were warned this could happen.

"We're all familiar with the controversy over the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), which is purported to be buried under Switzerland," says Carpenter. "Scientists knew that attempts to create the Higgs boson with such large energies would lead to the creation of a black hole. Well, now that's happened."

Carpenter points out that scientists at CERN in Switzerland have so far failed to produce any data, or even get their collider up to full power.

"The reason is simple," says Carpenter. "The LHC isn't there. It's on the Moon."

A secret international cabal of scientists have colluded with NASA to move the LHC to the recently discovered Mare Ingenii moon cave (pictured right). "The only thing buried under Switzerland is Nazi gold," says Carpenter.

"They've powered up the LHC, smashed those atoms and created the first artificial black hole," Carpenter adds. "And now it's eating the Moon. The problem is, once it's finished with the Moon, we're next."

An object described by NASA as 'artificial' came close to colliding with Planet Earth, say the space agency's top scientists. The craft is now moving away from us, but it's only by sheer luck that the close encounter did not end in disaster.

NASA has admitted that the object could not have been an asteroid. And in a startling later confession, it announced that it believed it to be "artificial" and "a spacecraft".

The object, known by the cover name 'asteroid' 2010 KQ, was tracked by the Near-Earth Object Program, based at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, California. This is the organisation tasked by the Government to keep track of alien craft approaching Earth.

In an official statement, suppressed until after the object had passed, NASA announced:

"Observations by astronomer S J Bus, using the NASA-sponsored Infrared Telescope Facility in Mauna Kea, Hawaii, indicate that 2010 KQ's spectral characteristics do not match any of the known asteroid types, and the object's absolute magnitude (28.9) suggests it is only a few meters in size."

However, William H Carpenter, of the Carpenter Foundation for Space Conspiracies, said: "The data about the size is clearly disinformation. Not only could they not track an object that small for so long, why would they even mention it?"

He added: "Clearly our planet came close to destruction at the hands of an alien craft - and now they're telling lies about it."

Without saying how they know, NASA scientists now claim that they expect the spacecraft to return in 2036.

"Clearly, they're trying to put us off the scent," said Carpenter. "I think 2012 is more likely."

The Vatican is about to launch its own range of condoms - with the blessing of the Pope. But the aim is to prevent disease, not babies, said a spokesman for the Holy See.

Every condom will come complete with a hole in the tip so that the faithful can protect themselves against infection while obeying the church's ruling on contraception. It's believed that the Pope is hoping to change the Roman Catholic church's image when it comes to AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases.

"We still say that AIDS is divine retribution for those who have been led astray by the devil," said one Cardinal who requested to remain anonymous. "But our previous strategy of spreading lies about condoms has backfired. People are dying and it makes it look as though we're killing them. Which we sort of are."

There will be two products in the new range - the extra-sensitive Rapture and the heavy duty Holy Shroud.

The move is a sign that the church is trying to repair its reputation and show that it still has relevance, claimed the Cardinal.

"We can't stop people having sex," he said. "Hell, we can't even stop our own priests doing it. But we want them to be safe, even if they are going to go to hell eventually."

He refused to comment on criticisms that the hole will mean that the condoms remain relatively useless in the fight against AIDS and other diseases.

The condoms will be available only in selected churches and the first batches will be distributed directly to priests for their own use. When production ramps up, they will be made available to the public, accompanied by a marketing campaign with the slogan:

"They're holy because they're hole-y" 

Early prototypes had holes created by nuns who were blindfolded to protect their virtue, the Cardinal explained. "But we just had too many accidents," he added. "And some of the condoms were slipping through unpunctured. So the holes are now made by a carefully selected group of priests who, for one reason or another, can't return to their parishes for the time being."

One Vatican-watching pundit, William H Carpenter of the Carpenter Ecumenical Foundation, says this puts a new light on the recent spat between the Vatican and the British Government over a leaked memo. The UK Foreign Office email made a number of suggestions for the Pope's planned visit to Britain, including some ideas that senior Roman Catholics apparently found insulting and disrespectful. The Vatican expressed displeasure at the idea that the Pope might open an abortion clinic or launch a new range of condoms.

"It now seems that the anger over the condom idea expressed in the memo had nothing to do with theology or ethics," says Carpenter. "According to my sources, the Vatican was more worried about protecting its brand and the possibility that marketing plans had been leaked."

An unmanned Russian lunar rover, missing for the past 40 years, has turned up on the Moon - and now we know why it disappeared. It was stolen by aliens.

"It's a problem NASA never talks about," said William H Carpenter, head of the Carpenter Foundation for Galactic Law Enforcement. "People imagine the biggest problems with aliens are abduction and the possibility of interstallar war. But on a day-to-day basis, the real issue is petty theft."

The Soviet-era Lunokhod 1 rover landed on the Moon in 1970. For nearly a year it bumbled about the Mare Imbrium, thanks to its Polonium-210 atomic power pack, sending back information to its Communist masters. Then it disappeared.

Now NASA's Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO) which is circling the Moon taking snaps of the surface, has found the missing vehicle.

NASA has released fuzzy images it says are the Soviet rover. But inside sources say they have much higher resolution images that are being kept secret.

"The reason is simple," says Carpenter. "The pictures show evidence that the Lunokhod has been adapted for use by aliens. According to my sources, small seats have been added, and the whole vehicle has been given a custom paint job featuring strange symbols."

NASA has so far refused to comment on the rumors. However, it's well known within space circles that theft is a serious problem for rovers and other planetary exploration vehicles. The US, Russia and the UK have all had missions end abruptly when their satellites, probes and buggies have inexplicably vanished - most notably on Mars missions.

Now it seems that the problem started 40 years ago and much closer to home.

Not everyone within the US space agency accepts the theft theory, though.

"I find it hard to believe," said one NASA scientist. "Why would aliens steal some Russki POS like the Lunokhod when, around the same time, our boys on the Apollo 14 and 15 missions were blasting around the lunar surface in American hot rods? I mean, have you seen the Lunokhod?"

Some scientists likened the Lunokhod 1 and its lander craft (right) to a 'flying dustbin'. But Carpenter thinks the aliens may have made a smart choice.

"Aside from the fact that it was unmanned, so the aliens didn't have to bother with abducting anyone, the Lunokhod was actually pretty robust," he said. "And that's what you want when you're driving around the hostile, unforgiving surface of the Moon. The American lunar rovers were much sleeker and better equipped. But you just know that, one week past the warranty period, they'd have broken down."

Jesus did not die on the cross - he was killed when his pet dinosaur turned on him, according to new evidence coming from the scientists working in the Holy Land.

Dr Seth Croyant, Chief Scientist with the Biblical Fact Foundation, is leading a team of evangelical archeologists based in Tel Aviv. According to Croyant, the team has uncovered several rock strata not dissimilar to those in other countries in which dinosaur remains have been found.

"And yet," he says, "these are the exact same rocks in which we find ancient tombs not unlike the one in which Christ was buried and from which he arose."

This led Croyant to re-read sections of the Gospels that deal with Christ's death. "Most of them are actually a bit skimpy on details when it comes to the whole crucifixion thing," he says. "And they're inconsistent. It looks to me like there's been some rewriting, perhaps to cover up an embarrassing truth."

Croyant says he will reveal the full details of what's he's discovered in a press conference in July, which is when he will also launch the book, DVD, iPhone app and range of apparel based on his findings. In the meantime, though, he's keen to head off criticism of his new interpretation of biblical history.

"Some other so-called scientists would have you believe that dinosaurs became extinct millions of years before God created humans," he says. "But as the Earth is only 6,000 years old, that means there was no planet for the dinosaurs to roam on, which proves the scientists are wrong. It's simple, really."

The Bible makes frequent references to dinosaurs - or 'behemoths' and 'leviathans' as it prefers to call them. There's evidence that some demons may also have been carnivorous dinosaurs, says Croyant. And some scholars have claimed that early editions of Paul's Epistles contained references to a 'Jesus Horse' which many scholars took to be a T. Rex.

"We now know this to be an Abelisaurus, or 'Abel's Lizard'," says Croyant. "That's a two-ton, 30-foot carnivore easily capable of killing a man. Maybe that's what killed Jesus, though it could still have been a T. Rex. I definitely think the Jesus Horse is what Christ rode into Jerusalem, and it got changed in the Gospels to a donkey so that it would fit Old Testament prophesies. But then, we all know how unreliable the Old Testament can be." 

Not all scientists agree, however, and the new findings have prompted a furious debate about Christ's relationship with dinosaurs.

"Jesus spread a message of love," says Rodriguez Ignare of the Texas Organization for Scientific Harmony in Houston, "and there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that he had any kind of relationship with anything but vegetarian dinosaurs.

"I think this new evidence has been misinterpreted," he adds, "and that Christ's death was nothing but an unfortunate accident. He was probably crushed when his tame Brontosaurus was just loved him too much."

However, both Croyant and Ignare agree on one issue

"He died for all our sins," says Croyant, "including the sins of dinosaurs."