Hopped-up Reptilians and pie-eyed Grays are wreaking havoc in our skies, crop fields and cattle herds, says UFO expert Dr William H Carpenter.

Drinking and substance abuse are now rampant among visiting extraterrestrials, he claims, especially among the younger space travelers.

Carpenter heads the Carpenter Foundation which publishes books and DVDs on UFOs, alien abductions, cattle mutilations, and paranormal phenomena and also provides rehab facilities for celebrities.

He points to several recent examples of attempts at crop circles that have gone horribly wrong, botched abductions and erratic flying during the day with lights on, in plain view of humans with video cameras.

"This bears all the hallmarks of juvenile behavior," said Carpenter. "Worse, it's typical of youths high on drugs or alcohol. And my fear is that it's all our fault."

Sixty years of contact with humans may have resulted in some of our worst traits rubbing off on the celestial visitors, Carpenter believes. "It looks as though our own degradation has let to a fall in personal and professional standards on the part of our extraterrestrial guests," he said. "Youngsters are very vulnerable to such corruption and there's no reason to assume aliens are any different."

It's essential we make contact with the UFO drivers, says Carpenter. "Not only do we need to extend the hand of peace, to learn what we can from these advanced civilizations, to explore the infinite wonder of creation and expand our consciousness through the insights they can provide into the mysteries of the universe, we also have to make them understand they they need to obey our laws and act in an adult and responsible manner." 

But enforcing our rules on the intergalactic teens could be a tough job, he admits, especially when it comes to drinking. "Alas, even if we could meet them face-to-face," said Carpenter, "there would be no way of telling if they were under-age."

President George W Bush and John McCain are one and the same - a shapeshifting lizard alien from the Zeta Reticuli star system.

The revelations come from an insider from Bush's own staff. Speaking on condition of anonymity, Mr X said he could no longer stand the horrific sights to which he was subject as the alien being shifted from one hideous form to another.

"There's a lot of credibility to these accusations, as the two 'men' are rarely seen in the same place," said one Washington insider. "And when they are, I'm told that the 'Bush' is actually one of the many doubles the President uses for less-important speaking engagements."

Others inside the Beltway have long suspected that the President might be from another planet. According to one Congressman, the Bush-McCain creature's extraterrestrial origins were betrayed in a number of ways. 

"The first clue that Bush was an alien was his trouble with even simple English phrases," he said. "According to briefings I've received from the CIA and NASA, language is an alien's weak point. And McCain has similar problems. Sometimes you think he's just not going to get to the end of the sentence."

There is also Bush's bizarre empathy with 'illegal aliens' - with proposed amnesties, citizenship programs and guest worker schemes. "You and I know that 'illegal alien' means Mexican," said the Congressman, "but Bush gets easily confused."

Political experts say that Bush is just morphing his form to get around the two-term limit imposed by the 22nd Amendment. "He hasn't finished with the country yet," said Mr X. "This way, he gets to continue the same policies while convincing people he stands for something new."

The Congressman added: "It's possible that all the neocons - not just Bush-McCain - are shape-shifting lizards and that there aren't nearly so many of them as people think."

The summer blockbuster movie The X-Files: I Want to Believe was made using real aliens, says the Weekly World Inquisitor's own UFO reporter, Dick Kennedy.

Kennedy was an extra on the movie and claims he saw the aliens being kept in special trailers on a secure part of the set. The extraterrestrials played themselves in certain scenes of the movie - scenes that Kennedy described as "terrifying" and "bizarre".

During all filming that involved the aliens, the set was closed and heavily guarded by what Kennedy believes to have been genuine FBI agents.

The stars of the movie apparently found working with the extraterrestrials difficult. David Duchovny reportedly refused to go near the aliens' trailers. And Kennedy overheard Gillian Anderson refer to them as "those slimy fucking lizard freaks", though an assistant later claimed she was referring to the movie's backers. 

Currently on unpaid leave due to personal problems, Kennedy has had many encounters with strange forces and unexplainable phenomena. "I don't get hysterical about this stuff," he said. "I've had more encounters than Spook Mulder so I know an alien when I see one."

This isn't the first time this has happened. The star of the hit 1970s movie ET was also a real alien, according to insiders. 

"Special effects just weren't that good back in those days," said Hollywood cinematographer Frankie Fredericks, who says he was deputy assistant focus puller on the second unit for ET. "Look how badly they faked the moon missions. We could never have made ET if we hadn't had help from ... you know, beyond."

But special effects and CGI are now very sophisticated. "Most people even think the Space Shuttle is real," said Fredericks.

So why did the X-Files film need genuine extraterrestrials?

"I think the reason is far more sinister," says Kennedy. "We have to ask ourselves, who really funds these films? There are groups, operating outside of the state-manipulated media, who believe that alien-themed movies are all part of a covert Government plan."

One such group, believed by some to have been established by the underground hackers network Reptilinet, claims that Independence Day, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, War of the Worlds and the entire X-Files franchise are part of a scheme to test the public's reaction to the idea of an alien invasion. "They also help to prepare people, to brainwash them into accepting aliens into our midst," said one anonymous member. "That's because some of them are already here, operating in certain spheres like banking, movies and politics. If you want to know where Hollywood's money comes from, look to the stars."

A leading Hollywood director failed to deny the group's accusations, but simply characterised the group's members as "idiots". 

Investigative reporters are now looking into the possibility that other movies made use of help from beyond our planet. For example, Charlton Heston's appearances in sci-fi classics like Soylent Green and the Planet of the Apes series has called his origins into question. "If he really was from another planet, it would explain his acting style," said one dubious film fan. Some also question whether he really died recently or was simply called back to his mothership.

The late 1970s also saw the launch of the Star Wars franchise. Did that make use of alien technology?

"You'll have to ask George Lucas," said cameraman Fredericks. "Right now I think he's in the Pleiades somewhere."

Responding to pressure from the CIA and NSA, the US Government has banned aluminum headgear, metal underwear and other devices designed to interfere with mind-control rays.

"This kind of clothing is unpatriotic," said a White House spokesman. "America's intelligence agencies are fighting a ceaseless battle against the forces of terrorism, paranoia, alien abduction and civil liberties. Mind control is an essential weapon in our fight to keep the US safe from unconventional and non-conformist elements in society. The agencies rely on mind-control rays to preserve our freedom, and we have to let these guys do their jobs."

He added: "It's also unfair. The Government has invested billions in the MKULTRA program, developing some of the most sophisticated technology known to man. And these antisocial elements are defeating it with two dollars' worth of Bacofoil."

Congress was prompted to outlaw the possession or manufacture of anti-mind-control devices and garments when it was revealed that increasingly large numbers of people were failing to take the Government seriously.

"Clearly our message isn't getting through," said Senator Julius Fouine, chair of the Congressional Committee on Democratic Conformance. "Congress, the intelligence agencies, the armed forces - we can't make the US the country it's supposed to be all by ourselves. We need everyone on board and on message. We have the technologies to achieve this, to ensure that people think the right way, but we have to deal with that small portion of the population - traitors, I'd call them - who have the strange and unAmerican delusion that they can think any way they like."

Not everyone is happy about the ruling. 

Jezebel X, a self-confessed mind control sex-slave, who claims to have been the unwilling plaything of George W Bush, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, the last three Popes, and OJ Simpson, said: "A tin-foil hat is the only way I can get any rest. If I couldn't block the rays from time to time, I'd be worn out within a week." Asked why she didn't wear the aluminum hat all the time, she replied: "A job's a job."

There are rumours of activity by a shadowy group known as the Beanie Resistance Army (BRA) - an uneasy coalition of geeks, conspiracy theorists and ex-postal workers, according to one anonymous source. "There's a growing underground network of freedom fighters dedicated to distributing beanie-making materials to insurgents across the country," he said.

Recent raids by FBI agents have uncovered BRA safe houses where they discovered instructions for building tin-foil beanies and aluminum long-johns. They also unearthed several copies of the covert movement's 'bible', the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie, a book that allegedly provides full details of how to make anti-mind-control devices from nothing more than household materials.

However, according to experts, the law concerns only metal-based garments and will affect just a handful of people. "It's a good job they exempted propeller beanies," commented a spokesgeek from Slashdot, "otherwise the internet woulda ground to a halt."

[Photo courtesy Zapato Productions Intradimensional]

The Blessed Virgin Mary has been caught shoplifting in a mini-mart in Oklahoma. Security video shot by CCTV cameras clearly show an apparition of the Mother of Christ filching condoms from the convenience store.

"I guess we've all got used to these celebrity shoplifting stories," said Highway Patrolman Jed Ritter, who moonlights as the mini-mart's security guard. "You know, what with Winona Ryder, Hedy Lamarr an' all. But I have to admit to being kinda shocked at this one."

It's not known whether Mary got away with the goods. Her thieving was discovered only after the CCTV tapes were reviewed.

Patrolman Ritter was on night duty when it happened.

"Something woke me," he said. "Don't know what it was. Some kind of celestial chorus, I reckon. Anyhow, it was near the end of my shift and I figured I'd better go look at the video. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw her."

The cameras first caught the Blessed Virgin in the 'Haberdasher Korner' section of the store, before she moved on to the pharmacy. 

Ritter claimed that, even after he'd woken, there was still a 'presence' in the store. "I could sense she was still around. It rooted me to my seat."

When questioned on his failure to apprehend the Blessed Mother of Jesus, Ritter said he was unsure whether he had jurisdiction. "I'm not even a Catholic," he added.

Officer Ritter has been suspended from duty pending the result of a drug test, but he has already received many messages of support and praise.

"Mr Ritter is truly blessed to have witnessed this visitation," said Father Dicky O'Rabid, a Roman Catholic priest and Fox News commentator. "Few have the opportunity to be in the presence of the divine."

Asked about the condoms, Father O'Rabid added: "I'm sure she was destroying them, ridding the world of their filthy existence and saving teenagers from temptation."

A spokesman for the store's owner claimed that further analysis of the tapes revealed that the Divine Mary also helped herself to KY Jelly and throat lozenges.

Father O'Rabid declined to comment directly but said that this information had been relayed to the Vatican where a team of specialists would soon provide an interpretation. "Clearly, this is the best evidence yet of a divine manifestation," he said.

Meanwhile, the store has closed temporarily for refurbishment. The owners issued a statement saying that: "The mini-mart will soon re-open with a host of new facilities, including a pay-per-view video presentation of the apparition and a multimedia shrine with low-cost, no-waiting confessional capabilities."