Responding to pressure from the CIA and NSA, the US Government has banned aluminum headgear, metal underwear and other devices designed to interfere with mind-control rays.

"This kind of clothing is unpatriotic," said a White House spokesman. "America's intelligence agencies are fighting a ceaseless battle against the forces of terrorism, paranoia, alien abduction and civil liberties. Mind control is an essential weapon in our fight to keep the US safe from unconventional and non-conformist elements in society. The agencies rely on mind-control rays to preserve our freedom, and we have to let these guys do their jobs."

He added: "It's also unfair. The Government has invested billions in the MKULTRA program, developing some of the most sophisticated technology known to man. And these antisocial elements are defeating it with two dollars' worth of Bacofoil."

Congress was prompted to outlaw the possession or manufacture of anti-mind-control devices and garments when it was revealed that increasingly large numbers of people were failing to take the Government seriously.

"Clearly our message isn't getting through," said Senator Julius Fouine, chair of the Congressional Committee on Democratic Conformance. "Congress, the intelligence agencies, the armed forces - we can't make the US the country it's supposed to be all by ourselves. We need everyone on board and on message. We have the technologies to achieve this, to ensure that people think the right way, but we have to deal with that small portion of the population - traitors, I'd call them - who have the strange and unAmerican delusion that they can think any way they like."

Not everyone is happy about the ruling. 

Jezebel X, a self-confessed mind control sex-slave, who claims to have been the unwilling plaything of George W Bush, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, the last three Popes, and OJ Simpson, said: "A tin-foil hat is the only way I can get any rest. If I couldn't block the rays from time to time, I'd be worn out within a week." Asked why she didn't wear the aluminum hat all the time, she replied: "A job's a job."

There are rumours of activity by a shadowy group known as the Beanie Resistance Army (BRA) - an uneasy coalition of geeks, conspiracy theorists and ex-postal workers, according to one anonymous source. "There's a growing underground network of freedom fighters dedicated to distributing beanie-making materials to insurgents across the country," he said.

Recent raids by FBI agents have uncovered BRA safe houses where they discovered instructions for building tin-foil beanies and aluminum long-johns. They also unearthed several copies of the covert movement's 'bible', the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie, a book that allegedly provides full details of how to make anti-mind-control devices from nothing more than household materials.

However, according to experts, the law concerns only metal-based garments and will affect just a handful of people. "It's a good job they exempted propeller beanies," commented a spokesgeek from Slashdot, "otherwise the internet woulda ground to a halt."

[Photo courtesy Zapato Productions Intradimensional]

Mike Huckabee might still win the Republican nomination for President. Most pundits have written him off, but now some are suggesting the Christian extremist candidate might have a secret weapon that will kill John McCain's campaign.

"Have you noticed how Huckabee hasn't dropped out even though he seems a clear no-hoper?" asked Mac Velli, chief analyst with a highly secretive Washington political PR company which has no name. "It's like he knows something we don't. It's like he knows for certain that McCain won't make it to the Republican convention."

The recent allegations about McCain's relationship with Washington-based lobbyist Vicki Iseman is evidence of a covert campaign that may originate within the Republican party itself. "Who knows how far this might go?" said Velli. "I mean, McCain's not a young guy. If he was to meet his sudden demise ... well, maybe people wouldn't ask too many questions."

Others have pointed to the fact that Mormon candidate Mitt Romney has stopped campaigning but has not officially withdrawn. "He's the anti-Huckabee camp's safety net," said Velli. "But it does mean that if McCain ... um ... meets with an accident, we'll have a choice between two religious nutjobs. Of course, that's often the case with Republicans."

Asked whether Huckabee might be implicated in a secret plot to end McCain's chances, Velli said: "Obviously, it's easy to see why Huckabee would want to see McCain's campaign die. But I guarantee you will never find an evidence trail linking Huckabee to any sudden termination of McCain's presidential hopes."

He added: "All the same, if I were McCain, I'd be worried."

Presidential failure Mike Huckabee could sweep to victory on his next attempt at the top job. That's the view of some pundits who see Huckabee riding to power on a wave of fundamentalist fervor.

The right-wing zealot is known for his desire to replace the Constitution with laws based on religious texts, much like the Taleban attempted in Afghanistan, but with a much bigger army to back him up. And in implementing biblical law, Huckabee would be able to solve problems that get his ultra-religious supporters hot under the collar — such as AIDS. 

Back in 1992, Huckabee wrote, in answer to questions from the Associated Press:

"If the federal government is truly serious about doing something with the AIDS virus, we need to take steps that would isolate the carriers of this plague.

"It is difficult to understand the public policy towards AIDS. It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population, and in which this deadly disease for which there is no cure is being treated as a civil rights issue instead of the true health crisis it represents."

(Source: Perrspectives) 

One Huckabee supporter is ecstatic about this idea. "See what he's saying?" frothed Seth Smoten, a snake handler from South Carolina. "He's saying it's a plague, like in Egypt, like in the Bible. Or maybe like lepers an' shit. You can't have those people walking around among healthy, god-fearin' folk!"

One junior aide for the Huckabee campaign in Dogsbollox, Tennessee believed that Huckabee was hinting at the idea of special camps where AIDS plague carriers could be concentrated away from valuable medical resources. "We should give them somewhere they can die peacefully and quietly," said the aide, "where they won't bother anyone else. Let's face it, all they really need is a bed and a set of pyjamas."

Mike Huckabee was unavailable for comment.

The Space Shuttle missions are a fraud perpetrated on the American public as part of a conspiracy by NASA and a shady group of Hollywood moviemakers.

This is the claim of Nevada-based UFO author and militia leader William H Carpenter. In a forthcoming book, Space: the phony frontier, he lays out his evidence for what he calls "history's greatest con-trick". It is, he says, nothing more than a way of funneling tax money to California's super-rich film directors.

Much of Carpenter's evidence depends on an analysis of photographs taken during the alleged space missions.

"For a start," says Carpenter, "the lighting is all wrong. In space, with no atmosphere to reflect light, anything in shadow should be completely black. But you can clearly see details."

He goes on: "Another clear give-away is that there are no birds in any of the launch pictures. Cape Canaveral — or Kennedy Space Center, if you must call it that — is on the coast, so you'd at least expect a few gulls. But nothing." When it was pointed out that some NASA pictures do, in fact, have birds in them, Carpenter's response is a simple, "Photoshop."

Other tell-tale signs, says Carpenter, include:

• The lack of stars in pictures taken in orbit. Stars are really bright in space, contends Carpenter. This was also a mistake made in the faked moon missions, but NASA had even less excuse with orbiting Shuttle missions where there's no bright surface to affect the exposure.
• Photos and film footage taken on one 'mission' are sometimes used again, supposedly taken on later flights. "It's sloppy and condescending," says Carpenter. "I guess they think that all Shuttle missions look the same to the general public. And actually, they sort of do."
• Astronauts performing so-called EVAs, or space walks, would be fried by the sun. "We're told all the time that everyone on Earth would be burnt to a crisp if it wasn't for the ozone layer," asserts Carpenter. "And those NASA 'spacemen' are supposedly flying above the atmosphere."
• Images of the Earth allegedly taken from the Shuttle are clearly snapped by high-flying aircraft. Many of the images may have been stolen from Google Earth.

The craft seen blasting off from the Kennedy Space Center, in orbit around the Earth and landing back on NASA's runways, is actually a model just three feet long, Carpenter claims.

NASA simply does not have the technology to build a real Shuttle, he says. "It's impressive trickery," he says, "but the kind of thing that Hollywood does every day. In fact, NASA is working with a secretive cabal of movie directors to perpetrate this fraud on the American public. That's where all the federal money goes — not to Houston and Florida, but LaLa Land."

He added: "Think about it. We now know for a fact that the so-called Moon missions were faked. The evidence is overwhelming. And without the technology and experience that the Apollo missions were supposed to have given NASA, there's no way they could have developed the Shuttle. It's simple logic."

"I've had these NASA images subjected to scientific analysis by top experts at Kodak, and they concur." The World Inquisitor was able to track down one of Carpenter's sources, who denied that he works for Kodak but admitted that his Melbourne, Florida gift shop does indeed sell Kodak film.

NASA declined to comment. On hearing this, Carpenter commented: "What more proof do you need?"

He concluded: "There is one detail that really clinches it, the fatal mistake NASA made in all this fakery. Take a look at pictures of the Shuttle in orbit. In particular, look closely at the so-called robotic arm. You'll see writing on it, and do you know what it says? It says 'Canada'. Amazing, isn't it? What the hell would Canadians be doing in space?"

The world's leading terrorist organization is giving its support to Rudy Giuliani in the next US presidential race. According to sources close to Al Qaeda, only Giuliani can ensure the long-term success of both the US military and its partners, such as Islamic terror groups.

"We need a Republican in the White House," said an Al Qaeda spokesman. "Republicans are willing to use the US military in the aggressive way we need to support our cause and aid recruitment. Let's face it, Islamic terror wouldn't be where it is today if it wasn't for George W Bush alienating muslims everywhere."

Although Giuliani has yet to win the Republican nomination, the spokesman said that his group would do everything in its power to support him. "Democrats don't seem to have the guts it takes to send US troops to get slaughtered overseas," he added. "And as for the rest of the Republican candidates, well who are they? What's needed is someone with personality and a high profile who can stir up resentment and hatred against the US worldwide while remaining popular at home. That's where Bush failed."

The organization would not release details of how it would support Giuliani and denied that it has made any financial contributions, although it's believed that it still has some old CIA funds left over from their time working together in Afghanistan.

A statement issued by Al Qaeda through its Atlanta-based PR company said: "For the past eight years, our organization has fully supported the Republican party's successful strategy of raising public levels of threat awareness, the wholesale exchange of so-called personal liberties for the more enduring and profitable apparatus of state control. It's important to have a global environment with high levels of perceived peril in order to provide a free and healthy market for defense contractors, network news channels and terror organizations such as our own."

Mr Giuliani was not available for comment.