Prowling Mutant Terrorizes Florida
A weird creature is on the prowl in Florida tonight after escaping from a top-secret government facility. The beast — half man, half-chimp — is the result of a covert breeding experiment designed to create a savage but compliant army of mutant soldiers.
A scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the genetic engineering program is a top priority for the current administration, some of whom have a major personal stake in its outcome.
The original ChimpMan project — originally codenamed 'Have MonkeyBoy' — was started several decades ago, said the scientist. "Only one subject survived. But there are people who think that experiment was extremely successful. There are others, of course, who think it went horribly wrong."
He added: "If we told you who that survivor was, and what he went on to be, I think you'd be in for a big shock."
A handful of genetically engineered specimens would be used to breed armies of creatures with limited imaginations, low intellects, the willingness to follow orders but with a natural aggression. "They'll make great soldiers and politicians," said the scientist, "that is, we can use them to do the jobs that no sensible person would want to do themselves."
No government agency has admitted to running the program nor have any warnings been issued. The scientist said that members of the public should not approach the creature if they spot it. If cornered, however, they should try to confuse the ChimpMan by asking it to perform basic arithmetic or spelling tasks. If that fails, he added, try placating it with shares in an oil company.