Hopped-up Reptilians and pie-eyed Grays are wreaking havoc in our skies, crop fields and cattle herds, says UFO expert Dr William H Carpenter.

Drinking and substance abuse are now rampant among visiting extraterrestrials, he claims, especially among the younger space travelers.

Carpenter heads the Carpenter Foundation which publishes books and DVDs on UFOs, alien abductions, cattle mutilations, and paranormal phenomena and also provides rehab facilities for celebrities.

He points to several recent examples of attempts at crop circles that have gone horribly wrong, botched abductions and erratic flying during the day with lights on, in plain view of humans with video cameras.

"This bears all the hallmarks of juvenile behavior," said Carpenter. "Worse, it's typical of youths high on drugs or alcohol. And my fear is that it's all our fault."

Sixty years of contact with humans may have resulted in some of our worst traits rubbing off on the celestial visitors, Carpenter believes. "It looks as though our own degradation has let to a fall in personal and professional standards on the part of our extraterrestrial guests," he said. "Youngsters are very vulnerable to such corruption and there's no reason to assume aliens are any different."

It's essential we make contact with the UFO drivers, says Carpenter. "Not only do we need to extend the hand of peace, to learn what we can from these advanced civilizations, to explore the infinite wonder of creation and expand our consciousness through the insights they can provide into the mysteries of the universe, we also have to make them understand they they need to obey our laws and act in an adult and responsible manner." 

But enforcing our rules on the intergalactic teens could be a tough job, he admits, especially when it comes to drinking. "Alas, even if we could meet them face-to-face," said Carpenter, "there would be no way of telling if they were under-age."

President George W Bush and John McCain are one and the same - a shapeshifting lizard alien from the Zeta Reticuli star system.

The revelations come from an insider from Bush's own staff. Speaking on condition of anonymity, Mr X said he could no longer stand the horrific sights to which he was subject as the alien being shifted from one hideous form to another.

"There's a lot of credibility to these accusations, as the two 'men' are rarely seen in the same place," said one Washington insider. "And when they are, I'm told that the 'Bush' is actually one of the many doubles the President uses for less-important speaking engagements."

Others inside the Beltway have long suspected that the President might be from another planet. According to one Congressman, the Bush-McCain creature's extraterrestrial origins were betrayed in a number of ways. 

"The first clue that Bush was an alien was his trouble with even simple English phrases," he said. "According to briefings I've received from the CIA and NASA, language is an alien's weak point. And McCain has similar problems. Sometimes you think he's just not going to get to the end of the sentence."

There is also Bush's bizarre empathy with 'illegal aliens' - with proposed amnesties, citizenship programs and guest worker schemes. "You and I know that 'illegal alien' means Mexican," said the Congressman, "but Bush gets easily confused."

Political experts say that Bush is just morphing his form to get around the two-term limit imposed by the 22nd Amendment. "He hasn't finished with the country yet," said Mr X. "This way, he gets to continue the same policies while convincing people he stands for something new."

The Congressman added: "It's possible that all the neocons - not just Bush-McCain - are shape-shifting lizards and that there aren't nearly so many of them as people think."

The summer blockbuster movie The X-Files: I Want to Believe was made using real aliens, says the Weekly World Inquisitor's own UFO reporter, Dick Kennedy.

Kennedy was an extra on the movie and claims he saw the aliens being kept in special trailers on a secure part of the set. The extraterrestrials played themselves in certain scenes of the movie - scenes that Kennedy described as "terrifying" and "bizarre".

During all filming that involved the aliens, the set was closed and heavily guarded by what Kennedy believes to have been genuine FBI agents.

The stars of the movie apparently found working with the extraterrestrials difficult. David Duchovny reportedly refused to go near the aliens' trailers. And Kennedy overheard Gillian Anderson refer to them as "those slimy fucking lizard freaks", though an assistant later claimed she was referring to the movie's backers. 

Currently on unpaid leave due to personal problems, Kennedy has had many encounters with strange forces and unexplainable phenomena. "I don't get hysterical about this stuff," he said. "I've had more encounters than Spook Mulder so I know an alien when I see one."

This isn't the first time this has happened. The star of the hit 1970s movie ET was also a real alien, according to insiders. 

"Special effects just weren't that good back in those days," said Hollywood cinematographer Frankie Fredericks, who says he was deputy assistant focus puller on the second unit for ET. "Look how badly they faked the moon missions. We could never have made ET if we hadn't had help from ... you know, beyond."

But special effects and CGI are now very sophisticated. "Most people even think the Space Shuttle is real," said Fredericks.

So why did the X-Files film need genuine extraterrestrials?

"I think the reason is far more sinister," says Kennedy. "We have to ask ourselves, who really funds these films? There are groups, operating outside of the state-manipulated media, who believe that alien-themed movies are all part of a covert Government plan."

One such group, believed by some to have been established by the underground hackers network Reptilinet, claims that Independence Day, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, War of the Worlds and the entire X-Files franchise are part of a scheme to test the public's reaction to the idea of an alien invasion. "They also help to prepare people, to brainwash them into accepting aliens into our midst," said one anonymous member. "That's because some of them are already here, operating in certain spheres like banking, movies and politics. If you want to know where Hollywood's money comes from, look to the stars."

A leading Hollywood director failed to deny the group's accusations, but simply characterised the group's members as "idiots". 

Investigative reporters are now looking into the possibility that other movies made use of help from beyond our planet. For example, Charlton Heston's appearances in sci-fi classics like Soylent Green and the Planet of the Apes series has called his origins into question. "If he really was from another planet, it would explain his acting style," said one dubious film fan. Some also question whether he really died recently or was simply called back to his mothership.

The late 1970s also saw the launch of the Star Wars franchise. Did that make use of alien technology?

"You'll have to ask George Lucas," said cameraman Fredericks. "Right now I think he's in the Pleiades somewhere."

Alien beings are refusing to abduct people from Baghdad, and some are saying they won't even appear in Iraq's skies.

Nigel Monsignor, one of the world's most respected UFOlogists, said there is already indisputable proof that the boycott is in progress. "All the news coverage of Iraq is about stuff like bombings, shootings, kidnaps, lack of water and power, civil rights abuses, torture and corruption," he said. "There has not been a single report of UFO sightings or abduction by aliens. Plenty of abductions, just no extraterrestrials."

At a press conference in Smethwick, England, Monsignor read out a transcript of a message from one of the alien creatures. It was channeled by American TV evangelist and congressman Zeke Graftful, who is co-author, with Monsignor, of the book Only We Know: The true and exclusive story of what aliens are up to on Earth.

"I've abducted people from some of Earth's most dangerous places," claimed the channeled alien, who wished to remain anonymous. "We regularly visited Saigon during the height of that war. I've worked in El Salvador, Chile, Nicaragua, Afghanistan, even Washington, DC. But one tour in Baghdad was enough. There's no way I'm going back to Iraq. I'll desert first."

The extraterrestrial explained that aliens often use US involvement in foreign conflicts as cover for their operations. "It's perfect: no-one is really surprised when people go missing," he said. "I mean, we worked for years in El Salvador without anyone realising it was us. But even the Americans are getting their asses kicked in this one."

Earth has never been considered a popular posting, he said. But the situation in Iraq may result in alien lifeforms ignoring the planet altogether.

"When the Intergalactic Federation gave us the Earth franchise, we knew it was going to be a tough gig," added the alien. "The head of the Species Collection & Experimentation Committee said we were probably wasting our time. We proved her wrong, though, and our team is responsible for the finest collection of manic depressives, psychotics, paranoid schizophrenics and bovine rectums in the whole galaxy. But enough is enough. It's just not worth the risk anymore."

An extraterrestrial being, who claims to be from the Sirius star system, is demanding the return of the UFO that 'crashed' at Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.

The legal action is being taken on behalf of an extraterrestrial consortium, led by an alien who would identify himself only as 'Jesse'. He says that the US Air Force (USAF) had no right to impound the vehicle and that they might be seeking personal injury compensation for its occupants.

"They were just dragged away to a hangar like so many dead bodies," he said. "That's no way to treat visitors to your country."

He also said that the extraterrestrials he represented would be suing for royalties on all technologies reverse-engineered from the spacecraft. "That's our intellectual property," he said, "and we expect to receive a cut for every stealth plane, spy satellite, laser weapon and iPod."

He added: "All your technologies are belong to us."

'Jesse' went on to say that the list also includes the Linux operating system and that the aliens would seek to employ the services of SCO chief executive Darl McBride as soon as his current employers disappear. However, he refused to elaborate on a statement that "McBride is already one of us".

According to the alien, USAF is still holding the crashed spacecraft. "We know it's in Hangar 18 at Area 51, or Groom Lake, or Dreamland or whatever you want to call it. Everyone knows that and, so far, the US Government has failed to properly deny it. But it's our property and we want it back."

In spite of original reports, in 1947, of 'debris', the alien group believes the spacecraft might still be flyable and that, in fact, the US military has been using it extensively. "What do you think they used to blow up the Pentagon on 9/11?" said 'Jesse'. "A 767? Oh puhleeze! Have you seen any film of an actual 767 hitting the Pentagon? No, it was our spacecraft that made that whole conspiracy possible and it's time we got credit for that."

The consortium will try to prove in court that USAF has been using the craft and will seek to recover rental fees and mileage charges.

'Jesse' declined to say why the UFO crashed, but did admit that its occupants, who were all teenage Althusians, might have been "enjoying themselves a bit too much".