New body scanners installed in US airports have nothing to do with fighting the War on Terror. They are designed to reveal implanted alien probes. And if they find one, it's bad news for you.

This is the warning given by William H Carpenter, founder of the Carpenter Foundation for Alien Insurgency.

"Many of those who walk among us are victims of a secret war," he says. "It's a war that the authorities deny is happening. And it's a war in which you will see no bodies. But the countless victims number tens of thousands."

For many years, Carpenter claims, extraterrestrial visitors have been abducting American citizens and implanting mind control devices.

"These poor souls have become little more than alien terrorist zombies," he says. To the casual observer, the victims may continue to live normal lives. "They may play computer games, text their friends, watch Fox News and even give all the outward signs of being normal, red-blooded American patriots," says Carpenter. "But the blood that flows through their veins owes its allegiance to reptilian masters."

The probes are mostly placed in the head. But reports from abductees suggest many other forms of insertion. "This is why the TSA - the airport security arm of the New World Order - is insisting on whole body scanners," says Carpenter. "You never know where you're going to find these things."

The implants connect via the nervous system to the reptilian part of the brain, which humans inherited from Anunnaki Reptilian aliens originating from the Alpha Draconis star system. These extraterrestrial visitors bred with humans to produce a global elite. Since then, they have visited regularly to create a secret army of slaves, worker drones and assassins.

"They do this by implanting these probes that overcome a person's free will," says Carpenter. "If you encounter anyone in a dead-end job, civil service post or official capacity who seems unconcerned about their circumstances, chances are they're a Reptilian mind-control slave."

Now the Government is searching for these probed individuals - but maybe not for the reasons you'd think.

"The authorities want to keep tabs on these people," says Carpenter. "But it's not to eradicate them. Not yet. I have evidence that whenever a body scanner detects one of these slaves, that person simply disappears."

What's happening to them?

"I think it's something to do with the forthcoming Disclosure event," says Carpenter.

According to a number of sources, the Government is about to reveal the existence of aliens as part of a scheme to implement a One World Government.

"They're marshalling their forces. Building their zombie armies," says Carpenter. "Trust me. When these alien slaves return, it will be the end of the world as we know it.

Out in the uncharted wilds of New Mexico, mysterious alien beings are rustling cattle. Not content with mutilating the occasional cow, the extraterrestrial bandits have started stealing livestock wholesale.

One farmer has lost nearly a third of his herd and others report scores of missing animals.

"It always happens at night," said one farmer. "Or, you know, when we're not around to see it happen."

Another, who described himself as "devastated" and "still waiting for the insurance check", said: "They used to just take the parts they needed. It was annoying, but we could live with that. Now the little green sons o' bitches are taking the whole damn thing! And not just one cow, but dozens of 'em."

However, some scientists view this as a breakthrough in our understanding of these interstellar visitors.

"We always assumed that they were taking cow parts for analysis," says William H Carpenter, founder of the Carpenter Faith Foundation for Extraterrestrial Science. "The parts of the body they used to concentrate on suggested they were especially interested in reproductive issues. But now a different picture is emerging."

Carpenter believes the days of experimenting are over. "You'll notice," he says, "that human abductees are always returned unharmed. Probed, but unharmed. But these cows aren't coming back."

His conclusion is startling.

"They're eating them," he says. "I've always maintained that alien visits to this planet are connected with their search for resources. Perhaps their own planet is in ruins. Now they've located a new source of food."

So what does it tell us about aliens?

"They like burgers," says Carpenter. "And maybe they're partial to barbeques. But who isn't?"

And the revelations don't end there. In his 2009 book, Moment of Destiny: How the Promised Land will come to us, Carpenter claimed that aliens have been walking among us for years. In fact, he says, the human race - at least, certain influential and gifted members of it - are descended from extraterrestrials. These new developments prove his hypothesis, he says.

"They are so like us. The amount of beef they seem to be consuming, and the fact that they're stealing it, means they've learned to fit in with human society. They have become indistinguishable from ordinary Americans."

Our response to this turn of events should be gratitude, says Carpenter.

"After all their abductions and experiments, they seem to have made their choice," he says. "And we should be glad that their taste runs to beef - not humans."

The famous 'Ida' fossil - claimed by some to be the missing link with our monkey forefathers - isn't human at all, but an alien!

The $1 million, 47 million year-old fossil was said by its owners to be a common ancestor of both mankind and chimps. But according to Erik Seiffert of Stony Brook University in New York, writing in the highly respected journal Nature, "Our analysis and results have convinced us that Ida was not an ancestor of monkeys, apes, or humans."

According to alien fossil expert William H Carpenter, "Seiffert and his co-authors stopped short of the obvious conclusion - perhaps out of fear of retribution from powerful forces within the Government and the church. But it's obvious to me that they're right. It's not human. It's not a chimp. What else does that leave?

"It's of alien origin."

The similarities with early hominids are understandable, says Carpenter. "You can see why they got confused."

While Ida - aka, Darwinius masillae - isn't human, that doesn't mean there's no link.

"This is proof of interbreeding between extraterrestrial beings and early man," Carpenter claims. "This is why chimps went in one direction and humans as we know them another. This is the start of our separation from the apes, and it's all due to insemination by ETs."

The Ida fossil might be a first-generation hybrid, says Carpenter, or just an alien that didn't make it home. "Perhaps he was exhausted."

At his fortified compound in the Nevada desert, Carpenter says he has a collection of fossils charting repeated interbreeding between alien visitors and humans, "some as recent as the last century," he says. "And I have evidence that it continues to this day, particularly among so-called celebrities. What other explanation is there for their existence?"

Carpenter also says he is himself the result of such interbreeding. "I was created for a special purpose by a highly developed race of extraterrestrials for a mission of global importance," he says, "and one day they will return to explain what it is."

In the meantime, Carpenter is considering legal action to claim the Ida fossil for himself, "As the only known living relative."

Britain's space program has suffered a major setback after its latest mission ended in disaster. Just minutes after launch from a field in Wiltshire, England, mission control lost contact with the spacecraft and its precious cargo - 300g (0.666lb) of Somerset farmhouse cheddar cheese.

"There's no doubt in my mind," said Wallace Wensleydale, unofficial spokesman for the program, "this was an act of aggression from forces beyond our planet."

During preparations for the mission, scientists from the West Country Farmhouse Cheesemakers' Group, which is apparently responsible for Britain's current space program, had carefully and meticulously glued the lump of cheese to a plate. Also on board the spacecraft was a camera to monitor the cheese as it ascended quite close to the edge of near-space. The craft - a modified, military-surplus weather balloon - also carried a radio tracking device so that the scientists could recover the cheese for analysis after the mission.

"We knew that the cheese was going to be subject to extreme forces during its epic journey," said Wensleydale. "And it could end up almost anywhere - perhaps as far away as Somerset or, God forbid, Cheshire. We wanted to study what effect getting close to space has on dairy-based comestibles."

But they were never to get the chance.

The launch was intended to celebrate the 40th anniversary of Neil Armstrong stepping on to the moon (some in the group still believe that was a cheese-related mission). But the result was less Apollo and more Roswell.

"Clearly, this is proof that the aliens responsible for abductions, cattle mutilations and other dark acts are French. Or French-like," said Wensleydale. "At the very least, we know they're cheese-eating."

Others are less sure. "We think it's somewhere in the East of England - possibly in Essex or Hertfordshire," said Dom Lane, of the cheesemakers' group to a British newspaper.

The group issued a plea for anyone finding the Cheddar payload to return it to mission control. It's believed they are offering a reward of up to three packs of salted crackers.

UPDATE! The cheese has been found - dumped in a field in South Buckinghamshire. First reports suggest the lump of cheddar is intact and apparently unmolested. However, the full details won't be known until forensic tests have been completed.

"This in no way affects my belief that the aliens who originally abducted it were French-like," said Wallace Wensleydale. "Clearly, the cheese-eating ETs were attracted to it, probably by the smell. But when they discovered it was a good, solid English cheese, and not some of that runny French muck like Camembert, they rejected it."

Scientists analyzing the recovered space cheese refused to comment on whether the cheddar had been probed or mutilated in any way. "It's too early to tell," said one, "but frankly, I don't like the look of it."

A warship of England's Royal Navy has shot down a UFO. But already a cover-up has started to suppress reports of the engagement.

The epic battle with alien forces took place in the skies above the Beatles' home town of Liverpool - in broad daylight.

According to press reports, the destroyer, HMS Daring, lived up to its name when it engaged and defeated the extraterrestrial invaders even though the ship was docked!

Yet few newpapers and no TV stations have reported this historic battle. And those reports that have been published online have been toned-down, suggesting that HMS Daring merely 'tracked' or 'followed' the alien craft.

"It was another great victory to add to the long list of battle honors for the Royal Navy," said Rear-Admiral Julian Uppington-Harris, RN (retd). "Outnumbered and outgunned, Daring was still able to see off these upstart aliens. I mean, who do they think they are coming into this country without our permission and without identifying themselves? I bet our Immigration people would have a few things to say about that. And I bet these aliens don't have jobs or qualifications."

Eyewitnesses saw bright lights soaring across the sky. One flabbergasted Liverpudlian said: "They were exactly like flares. But they weren't flares. I haven't seen flares, but flares don't look like that."

Immediately, HMS Daring's weapons zoned in on the invaders.

"It was a bit tricky," said Uppington-Harris who, since retiring from the Navy, has run a new-age boutique in the Speke area of Liverpool, selling crystals, homeopathy, Orgone accumulators and massage services. "Because the British armed forces have run out of money, Daring still doesn't have its radar-guided Phalanx guns. Nor its main weapons, the PAAMS missiles. But I understand that several able-bodied seamen and the Purser were quickly issued rifles and engaged the alien spacecraft."

Certainly, onlookers on shore reported that the bright lights quickly disappeared.

The aliens used advanced 'cloaking' technology making their spacecraft very stealthy. According to spokespeople for the nearby airport, there was no trace of the extraterrestrial craft on radar.

"I want to know why this glorious victory is being hushed-up," said Uppington-Harris. "It's clear to me that reports on the web are being censored and rewritten even as we speak, by dark foces within the Government. Yet, let's face it, Britiain could do with a few more successes. And what could be better? Here's an entirely new species from a distant world and, thanks to the might of the Royal Navy, we've managed to wipe it out. It's like the good old days of the Empire."