ET cattle drive!!
Out in the uncharted wilds of New Mexico, mysterious alien beings are rustling cattle. Not content with mutilating the occasional cow, the extraterrestrial bandits have started stealing livestock wholesale.
One farmer has lost nearly a third of his herd and others report scores of missing animals.
"It always happens at night," said one farmer. "Or, you know, when we're not around to see it happen."
Another, who described himself as "devastated" and "still waiting for the insurance check", said: "They used to just take the parts they needed. It was annoying, but we could live with that. Now the little green sons o' bitches are taking the whole damn thing! And not just one cow, but dozens of 'em."
However, some scientists view this as a breakthrough in our understanding of these interstellar visitors.
"We always assumed that they were taking cow parts for analysis," says William H Carpenter, founder of the Carpenter Faith Foundation for Extraterrestrial Science. "The parts of the body they used to concentrate on suggested they were especially interested in reproductive issues. But now a different picture is emerging."
Carpenter believes the days of experimenting are over. "You'll notice," he says, "that human abductees are always returned unharmed. Probed, but unharmed. But these cows aren't coming back."
His conclusion is startling.
"They're eating them," he says. "I've always maintained that alien visits to this planet are connected with their search for resources. Perhaps their own planet is in ruins. Now they've located a new source of food."
So what does it tell us about aliens?
"They like burgers," says Carpenter. "And maybe they're partial to barbeques. But who isn't?"
And the revelations don't end there. In his 2009 book, Moment of Destiny: How the Promised Land will come to us, Carpenter claimed that aliens have been walking among us for years. In fact, he says, the human race - at least, certain influential and gifted members of it - are descended from extraterrestrials. These new developments prove his hypothesis, he says.
"They are so like us. The amount of beef they seem to be consuming, and the fact that they're stealing it, means they've learned to fit in with human society. They have become indistinguishable from ordinary Americans."
Our response to this turn of events should be gratitude, says Carpenter.
"After all their abductions and experiments, they seem to have made their choice," he says. "And we should be glad that their taste runs to beef - not humans."