Apple Computers today unveiled its long-awaited iSlave mind control device. Aimed at law enforcement officers, UN stormtroopers and New World Order henchmen, the handheld unit allows users to take over the actions of nearby citizens while also checking email, tweeting and listening to iTunes.

"Initially, it will work only on long-time Apple users," said a company spokesdrone at the launch. "Until the Government gets going with its large-scale brainwashing and chipping program, we'll have to rely on that portion of the population that's used to doing what it's told."

According to the official announcement, the iSlave runs on a 50MHz ARM CPU chip, and uses RFID technology reversed engineered from the alien craft that crashed at Roswell. Apple claims that the 850g device will run for as much as 30 minutes between charges and can control slaves at distances of up to 5 metres.

The iSlave has a 3in touchscreen allowing the use of mouse gestures to gain fast access to commands such as 'run', 'stop' and 'open fire'.

A number of apps have been announced to coincide with the launch.

• SlaveMaster integrates with the Bento database package to allow users to manage groups of slaves. It also links to iCal so that busy henchmen can schedule slave actions in the future, with automatic pop-up alerts and color-coding for different slave types.
• FaceSlave automatically updates each slave's Facebook status with what they're doing, and to whom.
• SlavePod allows slavemasters to download music from the iTunes Music Store direct to the slave's iPod (all slaves have iPods). Apple has signed deals with a number of record companies to provide suitable tracks which, it's believed, contain hidden messages. The first to become available will be James Blunt's new album 'Squeal like a girl' aimed at male mind-control sex slaves.
• SlaveWave uses Google Wave to co-ordinate actions between slavemasters, as well as letting them share digital photos of what their slaves are up to (not available in China).
• SlaveWall automatically 'terminates' slaves who try to go beyond the range of the iSlave (available only in China).

Some firms have complained that the apps they submitted for the iSlave have been rejected by Apple. Most of those companies have since disappeared.

One app, HappyClappyApple, which makes owners of Apple products buy everything the company produces, was initially approved but was later withdrawn by the company as being "redundant". 

Apple also used the launch event to announce its new iPad tablet computer. Every journalist attending the event bought one.

The Boy Scouts of America are to become an armed militia known as the 'Obama Youth', says a Washington insider. They will trade in their knee socks and neckerchiefs for assault rifles and body armor as they join the wars on terror, illegal immigration and atheism.

Selected Boy Scouts, and taller members of the Cub Scouts, will receive training in counter-insurgency operations, drug raids, border patrols, how to report suspicious people to the authorities, and how to tie very tight knots.

Each will also receive a new 'Field Guide to Un-Americans' to help them identify potential terrorists, immigrants and pagans.

"These children have as much of a right as anyone to die for their country," says Rev. Jimmy Samson, who hopes to be appointed as Pack Leader General of the new militia. "And in this time of war, it's my mission to see that comes to pass."

Samson says he has already trained a number of scouts in the techniques of unarmed combat and intimate body searches. And a few members of America's largest paramilitary organization have received training in combat techniques, according to the New York Times.

According to Samson, the new organization will be open to Christians of all kinds.* "Faith is an essential part of our ability to fight terrorism and other social ills," he says. "That's why the Boy Scouts movement around the world has always been a religious organisation, proudly fighting atheists, agnostics, Wiccans and heathens of all kinds. It has been an army for God. Now it will be an army for America. With real guns."

The exclusion of Muslims, Hindus and members of other faiths has caused some disappointment. "There are 14 year-old boys of all faiths who like to shoot guns," says Samson, "but we have to draw the line somewhere."

This change has been a long time coming, says Samson. "Somehow, the Boy Scouts got sidetracked from their military destiny," he says. "They got into all that do-gooding, namby-pamby stuff. But just look at the uniform. You don't put on a uniform like that and not want to pick up a gun."

Samson is a former preacher in the Church of the Delectable Body of Christ. He stepped down from the ministry following a hate campaign against him in the liberal press in which numerous unproven allegations were made. No charges were ever brought and the young men involved subsequently withdrew their complaints and were issued Green Cards. Shortly after, he was appointed as a consultant to the White House's Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships, with special responsibility for youth combat programs.

The formation of the new Youth Brigades is being supported in part by funds from the White House.

"That money will at least pay for the weapons and most of the ammo," says Samson. "The rest of the funding is coming from concerned citizens. That is, concerned citizens with lots of money. In return, each Brigade will have its own uniform carrying corporate branding and sponsor's messages."

Samson says he expects the first fully operational brigade to be the Arkansas Hello Kitty SWAT Battalion.

* Quakers, Unitarians and Mormons do not qualify.
 

The UK has raised its terror threat alert to the second-highest level - 'Bothersome'. According to a spokesman from the Home Office: "Intelligence sources have indicated that there is quite a high likelihood that certain ne'er-do-wells are in a rather agitated state and may be up to something."

He added: "We're not saying that they're actually going to do anything. Nor are we saying who they are or where they are. We just thought people ought to know that we're somewhat alarmed."

Asked what citizens should do about this, he replied: "Do? What do you mean do?" 

The UK has a different set of threat levels to the familiar color-coding used in the US. The British threat levels are:

Niggling: The security services have a nasty feeling about something but citizens should not concern themselves unduly.

Vexing: The Government knows that someone is planning something but can't quite put their finger on it. Citizens should not approach unattended packages and should immediately report any untoward behavior to the nearest constable.

Worrisome: The security services know that something is definitely going on. If you have any information, you should pass it on. In the meantime, please be careful not to say or do anything suspicious because it just confuses the situation and makes more work for MI5.

Bothersome: The Government isn't saying that an attack is about to happen, but all government ministers and civil servants have decided to stay at home with a nice cup of tea. If you are a member of certain religious or political groups, a policeman will be around shortly to have a nice chat. It would be unwise of anyone of a non-British appearance to travel on the Tube.

Awful: It's really rather likely that something ghastly will happen. We're terribly sorry.

When asked if people should be worried about the raising of the threat level, the Home Office spokesman said: "People should always be worried."

New body scanners installed in US airports have nothing to do with fighting the War on Terror. They are designed to reveal implanted alien probes. And if they find one, it's bad news for you.

This is the warning given by William H Carpenter, founder of the Carpenter Foundation for Alien Insurgency.

"Many of those who walk among us are victims of a secret war," he says. "It's a war that the authorities deny is happening. And it's a war in which you will see no bodies. But the countless victims number tens of thousands."

For many years, Carpenter claims, extraterrestrial visitors have been abducting American citizens and implanting mind control devices.

"These poor souls have become little more than alien terrorist zombies," he says. To the casual observer, the victims may continue to live normal lives. "They may play computer games, text their friends, watch Fox News and even give all the outward signs of being normal, red-blooded American patriots," says Carpenter. "But the blood that flows through their veins owes its allegiance to reptilian masters."

The probes are mostly placed in the head. But reports from abductees suggest many other forms of insertion. "This is why the TSA - the airport security arm of the New World Order - is insisting on whole body scanners," says Carpenter. "You never know where you're going to find these things."

The implants connect via the nervous system to the reptilian part of the brain, which humans inherited from Anunnaki Reptilian aliens originating from the Alpha Draconis star system. These extraterrestrial visitors bred with humans to produce a global elite. Since then, they have visited regularly to create a secret army of slaves, worker drones and assassins.

"They do this by implanting these probes that overcome a person's free will," says Carpenter. "If you encounter anyone in a dead-end job, civil service post or official capacity who seems unconcerned about their circumstances, chances are they're a Reptilian mind-control slave."

Now the Government is searching for these probed individuals - but maybe not for the reasons you'd think.

"The authorities want to keep tabs on these people," says Carpenter. "But it's not to eradicate them. Not yet. I have evidence that whenever a body scanner detects one of these slaves, that person simply disappears."

What's happening to them?

"I think it's something to do with the forthcoming Disclosure event," says Carpenter.

According to a number of sources, the Government is about to reveal the existence of aliens as part of a scheme to implement a One World Government.

"They're marshalling their forces. Building their zombie armies," says Carpenter. "Trust me. When these alien slaves return, it will be the end of the world as we know it.

Out in the uncharted wilds of New Mexico, mysterious alien beings are rustling cattle. Not content with mutilating the occasional cow, the extraterrestrial bandits have started stealing livestock wholesale.

One farmer has lost nearly a third of his herd and others report scores of missing animals.

"It always happens at night," said one farmer. "Or, you know, when we're not around to see it happen."

Another, who described himself as "devastated" and "still waiting for the insurance check", said: "They used to just take the parts they needed. It was annoying, but we could live with that. Now the little green sons o' bitches are taking the whole damn thing! And not just one cow, but dozens of 'em."

However, some scientists view this as a breakthrough in our understanding of these interstellar visitors.

"We always assumed that they were taking cow parts for analysis," says William H Carpenter, founder of the Carpenter Faith Foundation for Extraterrestrial Science. "The parts of the body they used to concentrate on suggested they were especially interested in reproductive issues. But now a different picture is emerging."

Carpenter believes the days of experimenting are over. "You'll notice," he says, "that human abductees are always returned unharmed. Probed, but unharmed. But these cows aren't coming back."

His conclusion is startling.

"They're eating them," he says. "I've always maintained that alien visits to this planet are connected with their search for resources. Perhaps their own planet is in ruins. Now they've located a new source of food."

So what does it tell us about aliens?

"They like burgers," says Carpenter. "And maybe they're partial to barbeques. But who isn't?"

And the revelations don't end there. In his 2009 book, Moment of Destiny: How the Promised Land will come to us, Carpenter claimed that aliens have been walking among us for years. In fact, he says, the human race - at least, certain influential and gifted members of it - are descended from extraterrestrials. These new developments prove his hypothesis, he says.

"They are so like us. The amount of beef they seem to be consuming, and the fact that they're stealing it, means they've learned to fit in with human society. They have become indistinguishable from ordinary Americans."

Our response to this turn of events should be gratitude, says Carpenter.

"After all their abductions and experiments, they seem to have made their choice," he says. "And we should be glad that their taste runs to beef - not humans."