Following the lead of ex-President George W Bush, religious leader and messianic prophet Jesus H Christ has converted to Islam.

"It was a long time coming, but I couldn't resist the inevitable any longer," says Christ, 33, from his home in Dead Horse, Kansas.

A stores assistant in a local factory producing self-assembly furniture, Christ says he hopes his followers will understand and even emulate his example. "The next time you're passing a mosque or are about to drink a beer, ask yourself 'what would Christ do?'," he suggests.

Members of Christ's church, the Sacred Heart of Dead Horse, are rumored to be unhappy at the move.

"He's done some dumb stuff in his time, but this about beats everything," says Wienus Cornstobble, 89, lay preacher and editor of the church's MySpace page. "I mean, his fish supper evenings were pretty bad, what with everyone going home hungry. And that stunt on the lake ... well, I don't even want to talk about that. But this is just plain stoopid."

Christ, however, is unrepentant.

"Just look at Christianity, which is what I was preaching," he says. "I mean, it's so old. It's just out of date, which is why everyone is giving up on it. Islam, on the other hand, is younger, more vibrant. I think it has a lot more appeal. And in today's dog-eat-dog religious environment, you have to go where the market is."

Born as Billy-Bob Aletius Neufuffle, the preacher changed his name to Jesus Hellacious Christ in January 2000 after what he says was a moment of revelation.

"When the Y2K thing didn't happen I figured it was for a reason," he says. "I knew I had a mission."

Christ took a correspondence course in past life regression from the Wichita School of Spiritualism and Soothsaying. To his amazement, he discovered he is the reincarnation of the original Jesus.

"That blew me away," he claims. "It completely changed my life. I knew for certain then that I wasn't just another working stiff - that I had an important role to play in this world."

Christ immediately moved out of his brother-in-law's back bedroom into one of Dead Horse's most upmarket trailer parks.

"I got me a double-wide," he says. "Nothing less would do for the Son of God."

Since then he has established his church and built a congregation of over two dozen members. "It varies a lot," says Cornstobble. "Most of them are pretty old so the numbers tend to dip come winter."

For the congregation, Christ's message that the End Times are near is what attracted them to the church.

"The first Jesus kept banging on about how God's kingdom was nigh," says Emily Scroggit, 93, "and that was two thousand years ago, dammit. I ain't got much time left, so if it's gonna happen it, it'd better happen damn soon. Billy-Bob ... I mean, Jesus H, said he could bring it on. But now he's fooling around with all this A-rab bullhickey. Ain't nuthin' in that for me, so I figure I might try them Mormons."

Wearing a taqiyah and white galabiyya, Christ was calm about all the criticism he's receiving. "Although this means a demotion, from part of the godhead to simple prophet, I think it's the right move for me," he says. "And I think the other members of my church will come around. After all, Islam is just another Religion of The Book and provides all the same opportunities for social superiority, discrimination and, when necessary, forceful action that Christianity offers. And the outfits are pretty natty, don't you think?"

A warship of England's Royal Navy has shot down a UFO. But already a cover-up has started to suppress reports of the engagement.

The epic battle with alien forces took place in the skies above the Beatles' home town of Liverpool - in broad daylight.

According to press reports, the destroyer, HMS Daring, lived up to its name when it engaged and defeated the extraterrestrial invaders even though the ship was docked!

Yet few newpapers and no TV stations have reported this historic battle. And those reports that have been published online have been toned-down, suggesting that HMS Daring merely 'tracked' or 'followed' the alien craft.

"It was another great victory to add to the long list of battle honors for the Royal Navy," said Rear-Admiral Julian Uppington-Harris, RN (retd). "Outnumbered and outgunned, Daring was still able to see off these upstart aliens. I mean, who do they think they are coming into this country without our permission and without identifying themselves? I bet our Immigration people would have a few things to say about that. And I bet these aliens don't have jobs or qualifications."

Eyewitnesses saw bright lights soaring across the sky. One flabbergasted Liverpudlian said: "They were exactly like flares. But they weren't flares. I haven't seen flares, but flares don't look like that."

Immediately, HMS Daring's weapons zoned in on the invaders.

"It was a bit tricky," said Uppington-Harris who, since retiring from the Navy, has run a new-age boutique in the Speke area of Liverpool, selling crystals, homeopathy, Orgone accumulators and massage services. "Because the British armed forces have run out of money, Daring still doesn't have its radar-guided Phalanx guns. Nor its main weapons, the PAAMS missiles. But I understand that several able-bodied seamen and the Purser were quickly issued rifles and engaged the alien spacecraft."

Certainly, onlookers on shore reported that the bright lights quickly disappeared.

The aliens used advanced 'cloaking' technology making their spacecraft very stealthy. According to spokespeople for the nearby airport, there was no trace of the extraterrestrial craft on radar.

"I want to know why this glorious victory is being hushed-up," said Uppington-Harris. "It's clear to me that reports on the web are being censored and rewritten even as we speak, by dark foces within the Government. Yet, let's face it, Britiain could do with a few more successes. And what could be better? Here's an entirely new species from a distant world and, thanks to the might of the Royal Navy, we've managed to wipe it out. It's like the good old days of the Empire."

A secret cabal of bankers, technocrats, politicians and fashion designers is engaged in a new conspiracy, and this time its target is your body.

'The Scent of Fear' is a new perfume and toiletries range about to be launched on an unsuspecting publlic.

"It's all about eradicating our individuality," claims conspiracy watcher William H Carpenter. "For centuries, the fashion industry has been toiling away, in the pay of its One World Government masters, to make us look the same, smell the same and think the same. This is just the latest stage in that process."

Carpenter, who operates from an armed complex somewhere in the Nevada desert, says the new scheme is the brainchild of some of the top members of the Illuminati, the leaders of the New World Order.

"I love the smell of perfume," he says, "but this one smells like ... enslavement."

Popular scents already make large portions of the population smell alike, Carpenter points out. But what the New World Order wants is complete uniformity.

"Maybe ten per cent of young people smell of Lagerfeld or Chanel or Chlöe," he says. "But that's still too much choice. And changing scent is a means of disguise. If we all smell the same, the NWO can train its tracker and attack dogs to ignore the perfume and go for the human odor beneath. These dogs will be conditioned not to smell Fear."

The first product in the range, 'Fear pour Femme', will be a perfume and eau de toilette sold in a bottle resembling a hand grenade. The handle operates the atomizer while pulling the pin will deliver an extra-large dose for emergency situations. Releasing the handle after pulling the pin will trigger a rape alarm.

"This alarm will be monitored from the NORAD facilities in Cheyenne Mountain," claims Carpenter. "But don't expect help to arrive. It's just a way of identifying sexually active and unruly elements in society. I think we can expect a series of raids by Special Forces teams on frat houses and popular Spring Break locations."

Governments agents have issued a warning that ChimpMan - the half-chimp, half-man result of a super-secret breeding program - is on the loose and rampaging around Texas.

"If spotted, you should make no attempt to approach the critter," said a scientist from the highly classified government laboratory.

"This beast was bred to have no fear and no pity," he added. "In that regard, the experiment was a huge success. Unfortunately, he's also as dumb as a hatful of assholes."

It's understood that this genetic monster may have been released into the wild deliberately.

"He's escaped before," said the scientist. "But we've always got him back within a day or two. Sometimes he came back by himself: not because he was hungry but because he was stupid. He'd just forgotten that he was trying to escape."

Some sources within the top-secret breeding program suggest that this time was different. The program itself was recently shut down after eight years of continual blunders and failures.

"The operation of which he was a part has come to an end," said one anonymous lab assistant, who is now unemployed. "So ChimpMan's usefulness was at an end. And what do you do with a clueless, useless and, frankly, embarrassing screw-up? I guess dumping him in some Texas wasteland seemed like the natural solution."

Just one day after taking office, Kalonzo Obama, President of the Lake Naivasha Beekeeping Society, has been assassinated by bandits during what some claim to have been a botched robbery of the Kenyan Imperial Honey Emporium.

Sources in the nation's capital, Nairobi, say that extremist factions within the beekeeping community had vowed they would never allow Obama to become leader of what is viewed as Kenya's leading beekeeping society.

"This election made him the most powerful man in the world of honey," said one anonymous apiculturist. "But certain right-wing groups, some with links to major industrial honey, preserves and condiment corporations, couldn't accept him as their president."

According to the police, a group of burglars were stealing pots of honey and honey-based snacks from the Emporium's gift shop - the Hive House - when they were surprised by Obama, who had remained there overnight having become tired and emotional from his inauguration earlier in the day. The robbers shot Obama dead before making off with their loot.

"It was just a robbery that went wrong," said an official police statement.

But insiders point to militia groups aligned to powerful commercial interests.

"Obama believed in change," said one. "He wanted to give power back to individual beekeepers. He wanted to end the war between rival hives. And he wanted a more responsible approach to the environment - you know, for bees. They weren't going to let that happen. These people are nothing better than terrorists."

There has been a conspiracy to prevent Obama taking office, he added. And what drove the conspiracy was racism.

"Obama was the champion of the European dark bee," said the insider. "But these shady groups want to maintain the supremacy of the Carniolan honey bee. As far as they're concerned, the only good dark bee is a dead dark bee."

Obama, who is believed to be no relation whatsoever to US President Barack Obama (pictured above) was inaugurated as President on the same day his namesake took office in Washington.